When I was a teenager and I tried to envision a future for myself, it was dark and hidden. It felt presumptuous to say I could or would work toward a particular outcome. I had a whole lot of fight in me but my strength felt as if it were being spent on surviving more then trying to reach any given goal.
The control I had over my life was limited to how I would adapt to the disaster I knew was coming again and again. I’d be sure to be ready when the rug was pulled out from under me but I hardly had tomorrow mapped out. I became an expert at “making the best of a bad situation” and “going with the flow.” In my defining moments I learned to adapt to survive and in my adult years I would learn that my adapting to life hurt me more then helped me.
It was just the past eight years that I shared my story in such a public way about my childhood abuse that I knew there would be back lash. I guess you might say that for the first time I exposed my childhood sexual abuse by my dad and openly talked about the residue of dysfunction that my fathers abuse left on those around him.
I would like to think of myself as a crusader. The internal image of a fierce-looking woman, charging on horseback toward oppressors, declaring the truth to those they hold bound and inspiring them to overthrow the tyrants’ rule. I'd hoped that others would see the oppression but it became obvious rather quickly that I was of more help to others then to my own family. I don’t back down from standing for and with the oppressed and I found my place of influence were with complete strangers and not so much with family.
There was a time that I felt controlled and victimized by my circumstances. A time that I talked out of a wound not yet healed. .But by the time I married Louis, I’d started to end some of the patterns that I myself was playing out that was put there because of the abuse. I started to realize that I was still feeling, deciding and acting out of the beliefs that I had as an abused victim.
When I started writing publicly about my healing from sexual emotional and physical abuse, I did it to validate my own history and journey and to inspire hope in other survivors. It’s been empowering to record my triumphs and to share the process with thousands of fellow journeyers. However, being so public about such intimate feelings and experiences has been costly. For the most part, I count it a bargain compared with the expense of silence, but that resolve isn't always very convenient or comfortable.
Through this journey I have found strength and healing that belongs to me no matter what others think of me or my situation. Whether you admire the courage that it takes to be transparent or mock me I want all my readers to know that the good has always outweighed the bad. Even in this I have found such strength. With such attention from those who deem themselves as my enemy I am finding a story that is even more intense and worthy of sharing. I find layers and layers of a story that I would never have known if the shadows were not making it more evident. Some things are made more visible and affords illumination because of them and because of the dark seeded reasons of them being here. After all if nothing else they do so test the atmosphere and it has become even more apparent that this room is well-lit.
So in accepting my invitation to come and join me in my journey I want you to know my story is only as good as it pertains to aspects of your own life. If you can draw from my words and use them in your own circumstances no matter how they differ from mine. If I have accomplished that I have accomplished what I had hoped. When you read my pages through my expressions, blogs, pictures, video and music I pray you begin to see God and that you can see His-story being spoken in your own life. Maybe just maybe you will start to understand that the journey of hearts matter to God. As a matter of fact it is my belief that it is the journey of our hearts and that is all ... that matters to Him.
As you page through my blogs about childhood abuse, a neglectful marriage, a single mother of three, and the many battles I faced ... I would encourage you to place more importance on God in my life and His-story making it on my pages then the tragedies that I transparently share.
We have a Creator who is looking to be active and participate in our lives if only we would let Him. We have a counselor and a friend if we but close our eyes and listen for His voice. We have everything we need to not only to find healing, survive one tragedy at a time but also a God who points to our destiny, our call ... a future filled with purpose.
I wanted to highlight some of my favorite blogs. This video I created is a quick summary of those blogs including the titles.