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Thomas Loughney

  • Witness

    19 views 6 months ago
    I’ve always had a bad habit of losing my temper
    ‘Specially when I was much younger, I was a really volatile kid
    One time I threw a
    Chute of bamboo at my friend
    Messed his face up, never fessed to what I did
    That stupid kid stuff, what a dumb thing to find
    Any fight in, what a waste of those times

    Then I just switched out the bamboo for things I shouldn’t say
    Wouldn’t tell you them anyway, they’re words I’d care not to repeat
    Spitting cusses, mean as lust is cheap
    Talk that’s bitter old familiar speak
    Like my whiskey, but doesn’t fix me good
    Like – when she’ll kiss me – my pretty lover could

    I’ve got a witness, who sees with amber eyes
    Company like a mistress, kisses to push rage from my mind
    In the quiet night of a bedroom, singin’ me slurred-note lullabies
    To stop me from shaking, from my hatred. It gives me little respite.

    When I was in highschool I fought with my mom in her room
    It was a childish argument, but I couldn’t back down from my spite
    So I carved my chest up made a mess of myself with my knife
    Cos I couldn’t stabilize all the anger from the fight
    Violence that saved her from my anger’s shouts
    If I hadn’t cut myself I’d have cussed her out

    Nowadays I’m feeling better, I’m on good terms with the parents
    Still sometimes have disagreements, but I don’t stay mad long
    There’s still a tension, but no mention at all
    Awkward we leave it, closeted regret and wrong
    I know I’m guilty, they put up with me while I put them through hell
    Hurt like a secret to bear and to keep it and not to tell

    I’m full of weakness, gotta fight off my bitter side
    I’m afraid I might stay like this, that I might never be quite right
    Try to behave a little more calmly, but I still slip up sometimes
    It must be so disappointing, to see me lose it and not even realize

    I still own the knife, and I visit the bamboo forest on breaks
    There’s almost no anger in any of us, but that doesn’t mean that I’m free
    Sometimes when I’m sleeping it creeps up on me
    Dreams of hurting, I'm deserving of what I see
    I need to remember start to end or I let my guard down
    Or in a flurry my sound and my fury could come back out
    But it’s gone for now

    I don’t know why I’m so angry all the time, felt this all my life
    I guess that it’s just in my nature but I hate that I can’t stop picking fights
    I keep on having these violent nightmares they wake me up some nights
    The only thing that'll stop them is my liquor or my lover holding me tight Show less
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