SPEECH TRANSLATED BELOW
From "Louder With Crowder"
A highly Glaswegian version of the “Americans Love a Winner” speech at the beginning of the movie “Patton” (1970).
DefendGavin.com. What’s it all about?
Now, I want you to remember that no bastard ever beat the SPLC being all peely wally (pale and sickly) and eating jammy dodgers (jam biscuits) on the couch. He succeeded by getting off his ass while THOSE peely wallies ate jammy dodgers on the couch.
Big man, (friend) all this stuff you’ve heard about the Southern Poverty Law Center is a load of absolute shit. Americans, traditionally are buzzing for (love) free speech. All real Americans are mad wae sayin’ (nuts about saying) what they think - even when their patter (conversations skills) is rotten.
When you were wains (young people), you all admired the controversial comedians, the Billy Connolly, the outspoken class clown, the old man from down the road who wouldn’t take any shit, like Rab Nesbitt (TV star) or even Jack & Victor (from the show “Still Game”). Americans love free speech and they’re not going to tolerate a load of pure dafties (lunatics) taking it away.
Now, I would never say haud your weesh (hold on) to a man who’s bum was out the window (has no idea what he’s talking about). That’s why Americans have never lost - and never will never lose free speech. Because the very thought of not having that right is hateful to Americans.
The perverted peter puffers (wimps) who wrote that stuff about my wain (my son) don’t know anything more about the real free speech battle than they know getting their hole (getting laid) and I’ve got a strong feeling these Jessies (wimps) have never even winched a bird (kissed a girl).
Now, we have the best spirit and the best innovators in the world. You know, by God, I actually pity those lazy, crybaby bastards we’re going up against. By God, I do. We’re not just going to fight the SPLC, we’re going to sue them and use their jobbies (excrement) to grease the wheels of freedom. We’re going to beat those bastards one lawsuit at a time.
Now, some of you boys, girls and XIs - whatever your made-up pronouns are - I know, some of you are wondering whether or not I’ll chicken out under fire. Don't worry about it. I can assure you that I will do my duty. The SPLC and their ilk are the enemy. I’ll set about them (beat them), give them the Glasgow kiss (head butt), and have them spend their spondoolies (dollars) on lawyers. We're going to grab the SPLC by the dick, and we're going to kick them in the ass. We're going to kick the hell out of them all the time, and we're going to fight through them like crap through a goose! It’s going to be a square go (fight) and they’re going to be guy scunnered (completely screwed)!
Now, there’s one thing that we’ll be able to say after this fight and you may thank God or me for it. Thirty years from now, when you’re sitting around your fireside with your grandwain (grandson) on your knee, and he asks you, “Here you, (hey you) what did you do about free speech?”— you won’t have to say, “Well, I sat around and watched it all come crashing down.”
All right now, you sons-of-bitches, you know how I feel. I may be out my nut (insane) but I’m game (ready to go) and that’s what matters.
I will be bloody proud to lead you people into this legal battle, anytime, anywhere. No danger.