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OMG WTF ASDFGHJKL

by danisnotonfire • 2,632,816 views

the tale of a boy who nearly had something long, hard and deadly inserted into him. ..sorry i couldn't resist. xD click here to tweet this video! - http://clicktotweet.com/r1607 remember to tell me...

I've almost drowned twice. The first time I was very little and fell off a dock, and the second time my bully shoved me into the deep end knowing that I can't swim.
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Something happened to me kinda, when I was a kid, the first one was I was swimming with my BFF and her sister pushed my head down in the deep end and I could barely swim back then. But I was wearing a floatie thingy anyway
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I'm known in my family for being the most clumsy person in the world. When I was 3 or 4, (can't remember) my older cousin, Daniel, (oh my god I just noticed that) was pushing me around in one of those little cars things for toddlers. In the middle of my ride, I pushed my foot underneath the wheel to try and get him to stop, but he didn't, so my left leg was broken. When I was 4 or 5, (it was right after my leg healed) my brother Christopher and I were playing some pirate ship game on my parent's bed or whatever, and he wasn't looking where he was going and I fell off the bed, landing on and breaking my right arm. When I was 6, I got a sist (Is that how you spell it? Idk) on my wrist and had to get surgery. (I remember getting super mad because the nurse said I could keep the super-cool mask and I forgot it.) Almost there, when I was 8, the day before Thanksgiving, my notebook got put right next to the ten-foot window-well and I went to get it when I slipped and fell down. Luckily, my big brother Chris saw me from the basement window. And finally, just last week, my brother Chris was getting out of the van and he didn't hear me when I told him to leave the door open so I could get out and into the front seat and he was shutting the door right as I was getting out and he smashed my head in the door. I was fine but it still to this day hurts when someone touches the side of my head. Wow, I'm surprise I'm not dead.
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Did anyone actually read the description...
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Yea........well atleast a few lines later he said he couldn't resist xD
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I had to reread it. I skipped that part, cause I seem to do that when I read.
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I find it so weird looking at Dan today and Dan a few years ago; It's like, "Woah, he's so tan!" Is this just me?
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+The Roadie Well, not quite. He says that about himself; he's admitted he practically lives on the internet, and that's pretty much all he does.
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Dear death experience:  When I was about 10 my mums boyfriend to me and my friend Lilly to Water World. Our favorite thing was the wave pool so we stayed there most of the day. I thought I could go deeper in the water where the waved were bigger and the water was 8ft deep and the waved were about 5 feet high. Big mistake. I wasnt a good swimmer anyways, so I couldnt swim away from the waves that were SWALLOWING me. I was being pulled into the deeper parts. 8ft high waves, 12ft deep. No one was allowed in that area ( I was small, and underwater so no one saw me in the forbidden area) and so I was pulled INTO THE PLACE WERE THE WAVES ARE MADE!! Lilly told a life guard and they told everyone to get out of the water, and they stopped the waves. They were able to get me out (mostly un-harmed)  but I was passed out because of lack of air. :/ 
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I'm reading all these crazy things, and, I..uh..almost suffocated on my own spit...yeah...
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+Aimee Johnston  same then i spend like 10 mins coughing like crazy and my dad is like "really agein?" while shaking his head
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My near death experience: Dreaming of being drowned and not actually breathing in real life. (I'm such a dumbass)
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I set my hair on fire in a church.....
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+Abigail Wildlife did they douse you with holy water
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+TheXandraPanda I bet they used the Holy water 
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What the fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck
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I had this friend who loves the feeling of a pulse (she says it "makes me feel alive"....and well she normally does it to peoples wrists but my pulse is really weak in my wrist for what ever reason.  She then asked if she could try to feel it on my neck and I uneasily agreed.  She then grabbed on to my throat with an iron grip and would not let go.  It took two teachers to pry her off of me.  She then shrieked "She is unworthy of life!  I was told to kill her!"  What the heck....She then got free of the teachers and grabbed back onto my throat and I passed out and was put in the hospital!  Yay!
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OMG A SEPHIROTH KATANA wonders if he plays Final Fantasy
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OMG HE DOES BECAUSE HE PLAYED THE VICTORY SONG ASDFGHJKL
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+Joshua Ellis He says it in his "Draw My Life" video too. Final Fantasy Is bae.
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o muh guuud its fetus tan dan
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When I was shopping at walmart with my dad, he went to the silverware section and. Shouted as loud as he could "I NEED SOME F***ING SPOONS" and walked away while I lay on the floor laughing.
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My mother likes to show off and when she isn't talking loudly about he achievements so that people overhear us she is having tantrums in restaurants , shops and the doctors when she doesn't get her way.
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Whenever I'm shopping or doing something with my dad it's so embarrassing! Sometimes he gets phone calls (He has the most loudest and stupidest ringtone ever) he yells. He doesn't mean to, it's just that he's really loud.. But it's super embarrassing! XD
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Did Phil get a warning before you randomly yelled in your bedroom  or was he just sitting there wondering wtf you just did? xD
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This isn't really a near-death experience considering I couldn't have died. Well, I guess I could have. Anyway, like a year or so ago I ripped half my eyelid off. Yeah. Fun times, fun times.
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I nearly drowned, nearly got hit by a car twice, nearly fell off a cliff, nearly got my hand cut off, nearly stepped in the space between a train and the platform, nearly got killed by a angry cow, and had boiling tea spilt on my back (a whole cup) just last week. Death doesn't like being cheated XD
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+4zamora kids Then, we saw it. A large cow looked at us as we got to the electric fence at the back of the yard. He started running towards us, breathing heavily. My cousin just crawled under the fence to the other side. I, on the other hand, adrenaline already pumping through my veins, decided to take a more, adventurous path.
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+4zamora kids​ I ran towards the cow. He looked at me, and still came, storming towards me. Then, I turned at the corner of the fence, where a bunch of barrels and wooden pallets were placed, luckily in a ramp shape (you see where this is going now, huh?). I ran up the ramp, and jumped over the fence, feeling awesome!! Story of my life XD
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I'm currently having problems with my left kneecap where it sometimes randomly dislocates - not usually for more than a split second or something like that. So anyway, I'm chilling out on my bed and taking a break in between the physio I have to do to prevent it, and my kneecap is over the edge of the bed. It falls out of place, but unlike the other times, my kneecap was out of place for a good few seconds. I screamed for my dad who was downstairs at the time and I don't think I've ever seen him move that fast. So yeah, that's my story. It's not really a near death experience but whatever. 
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Okay so this happened 2 days ago. Right the thing you guys need to know is that I'm a Whovian and I live in India, where people have not even heard of Doctor Who (I know, I need to move), and my ringtone is the Tardis.  So my exams began this week and on the first day of the exam, we settle in and the invigilator is a serious stuck up woman who probably has a giant stick up her ass because she was giving grief to everyone writing the exam. She also wrote "Dress code violated" on my hall ticket, which was completely uncalled for. So, I'm a goody goody girl who abides all the rules and regulations of the university, so this shocked me. I was getting over it, when the worst thing ever happened. My phone started ringing. I almost died. Here I am, writing an exam and I can suddenly hear the TARDIS! My heart leaped up to my throat and the teacher picked up my bag, took out my phone and asked me why it was making that horrid noise and why I hadn't switched off my phone. But thankfully she didn't confiscate it.  I almost died. 
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+Bryan enhsb She means the sounds that it makes.
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Near death experience: I was 7-ish and I was hanging out at my friends house. They had a large trampoline. And a very high balcony. (Can u see where this is going?) I jumped off the balcony and landed on the edge of the trampoline and front flipped into the yard... Successfully face planting into the only patch of ground with no grass...(I almost broke my nose but somehow I didn't...)
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you actually jumped off of a balcony? Oh. Yeah. Ok.
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+Randomaardvark I did it once its fun if u have a trampoline underneath it
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When I was a baby my dad left the front door open so I walked outside and into the middle of the road and then my dad saved me.
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I nearly drowned, i almost got hit by a car (5 times), i nearly got attacked by a monkey and dog, i almost got hit by a train, i almost fell down the stairs (6 times) and i almost cut my hand off (let's say i'm not that good at cutting vegetables).
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The one i was scared the most was the almost monkey attack.. so i went jogging with my sister (i was11&she was 26) at a rainforest reserve place ( alot of people jog there) and there were monkeyson the lose (i didn't know). So i brought a packet of peanuts incase i get hungry. So, when we were jogging half way, i opened my peanuts and began eating it when suddenly, a monkey climbed down a tree and was about to pounce on me when i screamed and ran, leaving the packet of peanuts on the ground and that stupid monkey just took that packet, screamed at me (in it's monkey language) and ran off..
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I thought he was an only child. I wish he make a video with him :)
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Me and my friends tried to set a pizza on fire with the little candle lighter in church...what am I doing with my life 😏🍕🍕🍕⛪⛪
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I almost drowned in a pool in spain because I didn't know how to swim, almost fell of a mountain multiple times and almost got ran over by around 5 cars, 2 buses and a FUCKING TRAIN! and also nearly broke my neck on a trampoline, got put into an ambulance by smashing my face against a bus seat. I also nearly got lost in a forest at the age of 4 so [insert survival joke here].
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my sister almost got run over by a jet ski, and of course my mom started screaming at the driver.
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My near death experience was in fifth grade, three years ago, when I was in a car crash. I sat in the middle back seat as we peacefully drove on the highway, as suddenly my dad almost flips the car over as he tries to dodge a black car with no lights and a man in the middle of the road he just noticed. It was in the middle of the night so we didn't see the man or the car. As my dad manages to doge the man and the car we ram straight into a car that had parked inconveniently right next to the black car, the whole road was blocked. I think I must've passed out for a few second, because the next thin I know there is smoke in the whole car, the airbag is out, my mother and brother is screaming, my sister's in total shock and won't speak, and I, I have massive scars and burns on my chest from the seatbelt.... Yeah, that happend
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Near death experiences: walking in rain, slip in the middle on road, fall on floor, taxi comes spreading towards me, to terrified to move, taxi drive past 1 cm from me😅 2) dreamt I was scuba diving, in the dream the scuba gear stopped working, in dream I'm chocking, i wake up with my hand clamped over my mouth suffocating myself. The thing is I use ally sleep breathing through my nose, but I had had a blocked
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Nose for 2 months so I couldn't breath through it😂
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I have serve nut allergies and something happened during gym while i ran the mile and it felt like I ate nuts (though I didn't cause I was running) and I went to the office and they called the ambulance and my boyfriend was freaking out and they had to give to morphine or something and they had to like do it in my upper thigh so people saw my butt anyways I almost died This happened twicd
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Once upon a time the end
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+Joshua Eggestein it's the story to the universe It self becuz no beginning no end yet
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Almost died Was in backseat of car when I was five and I saw a deer on the side of the road so i screamed a deer and my dad slammed on the brakes just then a huge semi swerves and just misses us but killed the whole family in front of us😢 So basically if I hadn't skreamed i would be dead right now yay overreacting!!!
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Near death experience: In second grade,Some dickhead who pretended to be my friend ,tried to choke me on a street lamp. Happily my real friends punched him until he put me down. Needless to say that i didn't talk to that guy ever again.
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Second grade? God, what is society coming to... 😵
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Well i was at my friends swimming party when i was about to dive in the water i realised one of my friends were like below me and i could of landed on them and then i fliped over then bangkoku d my head on the side of the swimming
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When I was 5 I ran into a tv and cracked my head open.
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My mum embarrassed me on my birthday. I was having a movie night and all my friends were round. We had just taken a break to eat pizza and chat when my mum decided she wanted food from the fridge. She had dislocated then relocated her ankle earlier that day and literally BUM-SHUFFLED through my party. Right through. Smh.
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I've noticed that Dan uses a lot of Final Fantasy music in his videos! Not just this one too!
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I almost fell down a waterfall but my brother grabbed my before I fell down the cliff and then I almost fell off a chairlift because I could fit through the tiny hole but my brother caught me again. Keep in mind that this happened 2 months ago and I'm 14 now... lmao right?
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Dan, the description....
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Yes Dan. Because having a near death experience and having your family embarrass you in public are basically the same thing.
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Sexy tanned Dan is my favourite kind of Dan! or pale ghost Dan! or normal coloured Dan! or can't even see his skin Dan! or any other kind of Dan!
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I normaly have a very bad habitt of flaling my arms the second i tuch the water so it hard to go swiming at the bech
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So, its like not a big deal but I just can't eat certain things. So my family and I went to Taco Bell and they screwed up my order terribly. Like, uh it was so ew. My dad was already in a bad mood so he yelled at the poor guy that took our order :( it was his first day and he started crying, I felt horrible for him and tipped him my allowance :)
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My mom almost drowned in a bottle of water......while pregnant with me.
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the tale of a boy who nearly had something long, hard and deadly inserted into him.
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When I was 2 I fell in the pool, I sank... Then my horse tried to buck me off... Twice... It may not seem that bad but she is a very moody horse. Then when she was 2 maybe (she was adult size, palomino born from a mother Clydesdale) she kept running at me. I was like 4 when this happened, however this time she wasn't going to stop, so my dad picked me up and ran with me, we couldn't get the fence open, and she was right behind us, but I have another horse. (He was an abused horse, and is still very timid around people) my dad fell, and just as Cassidy (palomino) was about to step on my dad, the abused horse got in between Cassidy and us.
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I almost fell off a waterfall.....
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When my parents yell at other drivers, whom are parents or guardians, or even teachers, I know.
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I was walking home from school and I was standing at the road waiting for the lolly pop lady to let me cross when my ankle twisted and I fel forward but luckily the lolly pop lady caught me cuz a car went flying past and hit my nose and broke it yeah but if she hadn't of caught me I would have fell onto the road and died 😁
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My near-death experience is when I was on a beach when I was about 3 and I found a jellyfish with its tentacles ripped off but some attached I stepped on one of the detached tentacles and luckily not the attached tentacles and so the jellyfish turned out to be a man of war jellyfish or something like that and if I had stepped on one of the attached ones I would have been dead
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when I was about 6 or 7 my sister was spinning around with me in her arms, so somehow here grip on me loosened and I went flying towards the concrete and landed terribly. Long story short I had a small seizer while I was knocked out, never went to the hospital and my sister got into a hell of trouble so yea....
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Let's see I've almost drowned more times than I can count, I've almost been ripped out to sea in a rip tide, I slipped off my roof, my cars engine stalled when I was merging into 70 mph traffic with one 18 wheeler in front of me and another one behind me, I got trapped in an elevator at ikea, I had a Roman candle go off and inch from my face (probably exaggerating this one), my Mimi almost ran me over with her car when I was two, a sparkler lit my hair on fire once, and whilst someone was working on a gun it happened to decide to go off and stop the wall 5 inches in front of me.... someone really wants me dead
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Once when I was young I lived in this little string of houses and behind them was this small hill with part of it cut out with bricks in front of it so the dirt wouldn't fall. One day I was with my friend and she said something like "I bet we could see all the houses from up one the wall." So I said "Lets go up and see." We climb up and start making our way to the highest part of the wall, when I step on the tiniest rock, slip, and am grabbed at the last minute by my friend. I know, I'm a genuse.
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I don't get it, If ur in a reserve, isn't the diver with the spear gun not Suposed to b there?
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i fell threw a glass sliding door, and it broke, my legs got cut (1 cut was 12cm long and like 1inch deep :P) and i needed stitches, im lucky that i didnt get stabbed in my thoat or something.. btw this happened 3 weeks into the school year so i missed out 6 weeks from that injury.. so worth it XD the souvenir i got from this injury was 2 pieces of glass that was stuck in my leg, yay :D
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Closest to death? Cutting too deep.
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I don't even mind if I cut too deep anymore, if I die I really don't care. You stay safe
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Please don't cut,you have so much to live for :-(
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I almost got beaten to death. By the elements.
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Once, I was on a school trip to a swimming pool place and this horrible dude dragged me by the legs into the water and kept pushing me down and i accidentally kicked him in the balls and so i escaped even though im not that good at swimming :l
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My dad was being a douche at pizza hut....the end 
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lol so me and my mom were swimming far far away from the beach's shore. We were really far out. There were some boats, and surfers and stuff. So we saw some people like flaling around, we thought they were drunk. So my mom made me and her start swimming back to the shore. We were still pretty far out when we saw my brother on the shore. He was flaling his arms and yelling for us to swim fast. So my first reaction was to look behind me. There was a shark. Like not one of those little ones. But a great white shark. That's what the people were flaling about. And guess what happens. It looks at us. And starts swimming at us. So at this point my mom is dragging me to the shore. And when we get there hte shark was surrounding some people on a boat. Then it left. and so i didnt die. ohhhhh memories.
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Dan looks like a carrot
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Grampa had a curse out with the garbage man :T
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My family was at Universal Studios in Orlando and going back to the parking to go home. Now my mother has this thing were if one thing goes wrong in a day the whole day is ruined and my cousin and I had gotten into an argument that day, so she was in a terrible mood. While walking back to the parking lot we had to get onto that moving belt type thing to get to the escalators, now my mom was in a rush to get home and because of the conveyor belt, people were standing there waiting to step off, My mother starts pushing people aside and insulting them as she walks by, with me following after her saying "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. She's ill, I apologize." Over and over and over to every person she insults. We were THOSE tourists.
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when I was little I was sitting on a dock and my uncle looked back to see my legs in the air as im about to go in the water and im like 2 then so I could not swim at all so he ran up as fast as he could and grabbed me life jacket
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I almost drowned once.  I was out swimming with my family, my 3 cousins, uncle, aunt and my father. We were all in the deepest end of the pool and the eldest of my 3 cousins was in a mood with me about something I can't really remember. Anyways, I was infront of my dad talking to him and the oldest cousin pushed my head underwater and sat ontop of me so I couldn't breath. My dad thought I'd swam away but quickly realised I was almost unconcious underwater.
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I had malaria when I was 7 and I nearly drowned at the same age. KILL ME NOW!!!!
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OMFG THE DESCRIPTION
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I ride lots and my horse has tried to kill me over 10 times😂
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I almost died because a friend of mine forgot to tell me there were apples in this pie (also, first time eating pie AND deathly allergic to apples. Yup. Almost died at the age of 2... yay) . Luckily she lived near a hospital and I got my stomach pumped and a shot soooo now I hate pies and I ALWAYS HAVE TO KNOW EVERY SINGLE THING THAT IS IN THE FOOD I EAT WHICH PISSES OFF EVERY WAITER IN RESTAURANTS!!!!!!!
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Hey Lara Croft ahhaha all lmfao ahahhaa rofl
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my mum loves confrontation so its embarrasing like a lady touched her arm she wen cray cray she loves it
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is it just me or is he now really tan!
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This was awhile back, hes really pale now lol
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We were at a school parking lot and we were practicing for something and out of nowhere this car (Behind our backs, we're not idiots.) Suddenly comes and hits like three of my classmates. The guy next to me went straight UNDER the car _ The driver was drunk apparently. God that day was a disaster.
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I remember once, me and my mum were in tescos and we were buying an xbox magazine for a present for someone, and it had an 18 age rating on it. we got to the checkout and the sales assistant said to my mum "I can't sell you this, he's not 18." to which my mum said "its for me" and the sales assistant said "you don't look like the gaming type". it was at this point that my mum went on a rant saying how they would know anything about her, and I was looking around and I saw the head of every customer and member of staff within 15 metres slowly turn to face us with that look you get when you do something bad in public and I was literally like "if there is a trapdoor beneath me, now is a really good time for it to swallow me up." sorry about that
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My sister pushed me in front of a (very fast moving) car when I was 8. My family went to Disney World when I was in 2nd Grade, my mom........just let me cringe...............
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Yeah... When I was 10, my dad and my step-mom just randomly pointed to my step-sister and I and shouted, " Hey, everyone!!! These are our daughters!"... and then started doing the weirdest and most embarrassing dance EVER!!! When they did that, I was like, "Omg, just KILL ME NOW! This is too horrifying!" My step-sis and I walked of a bit and just hid from everyone.
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Go down on the last comment. My embarrassing story is down there
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My whole family (including the aunts and uncles and cousins which is about 30 people) had a big food fight in a McDonald's on my birthday and then we got kicked out. I joined in because it was kinda funny 😂😂 we are no longer allowed in there
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Dan's eyes are beautiful.
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Ikr. And I've seriously never had a thing for brown eyes. I mean I have brown eyes and I've always hated them but then he comes along and I'm just like 😍
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I used to live right across from my best friend, and one time I ran across the street and some biker almost hit me... 😔 #trafficsafety
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Ah Dan,you're my hero,you saved my life! Ps,this was so hilarious:D
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Near death experience: I nearly got ran over by a car because I was too busy on Tumblr. I didnt hear the car honk at me because I was too busy listening to Fall Out Boy. Yay.
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I know it is not death but i almost died of embarssemt so i was at --------- ------. So i seen my crush and my family was being itself and notice me staring and my sister said " ------ why are you staring at that boy do you like him  is is that ---- i remember him from the bus" Then the guy i liked turned and i was near the boa section so i grabbed all the boa's on the shelf fell to the ground and cover them over my face.
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I choked on a marble and my dad had to hold me upside down and smack my back to save me
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When I was like 5, I went 2 this girl's Bday party at the public pools. I'd just recently moved from England (the most amazing country in the entire world) and I didn't really know the girl, but my Mum was friends with her Mum, so I was invited, as well as my sister. There was an inflatable Dolphin, and I was using it, but the girl, India, wanted it, so she basically pushed me off into the water. I couldn't swim well, and I nearly drowned. My sister saved me though. I don't think I've ever loved her as much as much as I did then. Weird thing is though, 8 years later, the girl that nearly killed me is one of my best friends.
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My roommate pushed my off a cliff. It was about 50 ft high and I had JUST missed a massive rock and instead belly flopped into the water. I was taken to hospital because my stomach was badly bruised. When I was little I was in a car crash and split my head open so I needed twenty stitches and when it happened my mum passed out and didn't have her phone. YAY FUN. At school I ran into a pole and had a pole shaped bruise on my head. I split the side of my eye open on the corner of a table. The thing is, the corner wasn't sharp. It was curved so injuries wouldn't occur. Oops. I have many more. Do you want me to tell you my other 50 reasons why I almost died. That'll take too long. I'm a lost cause, please help me.
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I nearly drowned while holding up a girl on my arms while chicken fighting,she we fell in but she was still on my shoulders completely oblivious that I was being held under water squirming to get to the surface.The there was the time when I was a little kid (about 4 or 5) when I flew down the stairs and nearly broke my head on the concrete floor below,I was saved by my epic older brother.
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When i was around 7 I got a cut on my troth and it was like 4 cm by something and I almost bleed to death. :|
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My mum had to shout out to be careful in the street when I go to my bff house in front of so many people my bff is like wtf is ur mum
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Dan used to be so freaking tanned, wtf happened?
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Dan has a tan. Oooh, that rimes
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I've been stabbed by accident , hit by a BUS I got my arm torn up by a vicious fox and then I nearly drowned on a fishing trip now i live on the internet so i don't get killed
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I was walking home with two of my friends (we stayed after school at the library) and when we were crossing the street on the crosswalk when some moron thought it would be a good idea to keep on driving. So I turned to talk to one of my friends and I just see this gray car just inches away from hitting me and my friends. Basically one pushed me while I pushed the other friend and practically leaped onto the sidewalk. I proceeded to flip the guy off when he passed.
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My brother almost suffocated by laughing, seriously. He almost died
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