Left-Handed Rights on the O'Reilly Factor

In case any of you don't realize it, this video is a satire.

Bill had a bad sore throat, so he borrowed Stephen Hawking's voice box for this episode. Bill O'Reilly tackles a controversial subject in America's Culture War between traditional Americans and secular progressives.

Transcript:
The agenda of the so-called "Left-handed rights movement" is clear. They don't want equal rights. They already have equal rights! They are legally entitled to write with their right hands, just like everyone else. What they do in the privacy of their own homes is their own business. I don't mind if they jot notes or scribble with their left hands, as long as I don't have to see it in public. But when signing documents, like checks or contracts that are legally recognized, they should respect our society's values and sign with their right hands, or else not sign anything at all.
But they're not satisfied with that! They will never be satisfied until they have destroyed the right-handed values of traditional Americans.

Linda from Colorado Springs, Colorado writes:
"The radical left-handers can't leave well enough alone. Now they want me to accept their left-handed signatures! The U.S. government cannot afford to endorse this abnormal lifestyle as being morally acceptable."

I couldn't agree more. I've always wondered why these people are so obsessed with pushing their lifestyle into the public square. There really is no proof that people are born lefty. There are many counseling programs at churches across the country, offering therapy for people wishing to embrace the right-handed lifestyle. I say, if you don't want to conform, fine, but don't expect the government to give you any special privileges, either.

Don from Lynchburg, Missouri writes:
"As a right-hander, I will never sign another bill, check, or contest entry if the new pro-lefty legislature passes. It will have devalued the sanctity of signature."

Carol from Cleveland, Ohio asks:
"Where were all these activists fifty years ago? Back then, no upstanding American would ever dream of recognizing such perversion! The secular progressives want to shove the unnatural lifestyle of sinistrality down our throats."

Various family organizations agree with you Carol! One such organization is launching an official campaign designed to hurt the major television networks where it counts - in the pocketbook! The American Family Association urges its members to boycott CBS, which recently aired a left-handed handshake during the family hour. CBS later apologized, but the AFA is not satisfied and wants to send a message to CBS, and other large corporations like McDonald's, for refusing to remain neutral in America's Culture Wars.

One group that's definitely taking their views on left-handers too far is Westboro Baptist Church. They regularly picket military funerals to voice their disapproval of the government's alleged pro-lefty agenda. This is of course absurd; the United States military still officially excludes left-handed people from service.
By the way, I support the military's "Don't ask, don't tell" policy, which allows left-handers to remain in the military provided they never profess their alternative hand preference. I say, if they can carry out their duty using right-handed equipment and firearms, it is their patriotic duty to do so.
But this Westboro Baptist Church ignores all this and waves signs emblazoned with hate-filled slogans, often using the "S.P." word - and no, it's not "secular progressive"! They are entitled to their religious freedom, and there are indeed many religious grounds for not granting left-handers certain privileges, but this church sends the wrong message. They are confusing the issue, mixing in hatred that has no place in a legitimate conversation about the Culture Wars. By being so in-your-face and over-the-top, they are being no better than the radical lefties, and they are forever associating hatred with opposition to left-handed rights. In reality, opposing the legal recognition of alternative dominant hands is about tradition, not hatred.

Category:

Comedy

Tags:

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[gphx]

Redo this about black and white people and you may begin to understand why your 'satire' is nothing but offensive.

[SeenAndNotSeen]

@gphx How so? All I'm doing is showing how ridiculous anti-gay arguments are by using the analogy of something similarly harmless -- such as being left-handed. If I changed it to be about race instead of dominant hands, then it would still get the point across just as well to everyone but the small, vocal, and numb-skulled Youtube dregs who think this video is actually advocating discrimination against left-handed people (or even worse, who think that this is actually by Bill O'Reilly).

[RedLetterChristian]

@SeenAndNotSeen the problem with your arguement is that if you are okay with gays getting the right of marrage then you MUST also be okay with pedophelia or as their proponents say intergenerational love. you MUST also be good with poligamy and bigamy because the proponents of intergenerational love and poly/bigamy use THE EXACT SAME ARGUEMENTS WORD FOR WORD. so if you are going to sanction gay rights you MUST sanction these other groups as well, it is only logical. are you willing to do this?

[SeenAndNotSeen]

@RedLetterChristian Nope, gay marriage only involves consenting adults, unlike pedophelia. As for polygamy, what IS inherently wrong about that?

[InFaMuZLF]

Let me brake it down to you people...THIS is satirical!!!...and it's making fun of YOU-the ones in HERE talking SHIT and Agreeing with IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!...Oh and don't HATE on lefties since ALOT of the most important people in the WORLD where/are lefties!!!!!!!!...WE RULE!!!!!!!

[cougar006]

You do realize this is all satire, right? Nobody here is being serious. It's a joke. Relax...

[rainbowgirl678]

of all of the problems in this country these nuts are bitching about the hand people choose to write with? just because they choose 2 not acknowledge the other problems this country has, doesn't mean they won't go away

[juanonesimo]

Bullshit bullshit bullshit is all is coming out of your mouth

[91Shining]

left handed rights? im left handed and thats fucking bullshit...

[33LB]

@RedLetterChristian what's wrong with polygamy? are you a feminist or something? because no one else has a problem with it.

[33LB]

@SeenAndNotSeen this satire works for anti-gay arguments, yes. but don't try to tell me that women don't already have equal rights, because they do. feminists are one of the great evils of modern day western society and they deserve every bit of criticism they receive.

[TwistedMind6969]

Ambidexterity comes in handy when I play with myself.

[phoenixsong38]

Dosent anyone know what the word sinester mean! oh yes you may say it means evil an blah blah blah but the word sinester originater from "sinestra" a latin word meaning power you stupid righthanded people/ so technecly you people are jeolous of us because he have the power to rule over you people!!! and how ares about american tradition! this is a free country! we can sign a paper with what ever hand we desier!!!