Ett nytt försök till informationsvideo för mina vänner och släktingar. Also in english:
Hey everybody out there watching this! This is the first videoblog I have done since moving to the school. I would have updated you last week, but I felt kind of crummy and I could just croak. Not exactly the best of terms for making a blog. When I checked my old videos, I noticed that the one where I explain what made me start self-injuring sounds quite hysterical. Not that odd really, since I was nervous and had difficulties talking about the past at that time. So I decided to make a new one, which is a bit more down-to-earth, where I talk about some of the most common questions I have encountered since I started wearing short sleeves again. Hopefully, this one will be easier to understand.
What ran through my head when I self-injured for the first time? I only saw a way to get rid of all the pain that was devouring me, both physically and mentally. By hurting myself I didnt have to focus on the fear and anxiety that came from going to school. At that time my back got worse, so I used it as a way to not notice the pain as much.
Am I proud of what I have done? Definitely not. I often wish I could undo it. But I do stand up for it. Today I can finally say that I know the scars look bad and that I made some bad choices, but back then it was the only way I knew how to survive. And I know for sure that I would not be the same person I am today without this in my past.
When did I realize I was addicted? When I was 15. Since I was about to have surgery and would not be able to take care of myself for six months I made myself stop. This was my second real attempt to kick the habit. But even though I could not hurt myself anymore, the urge and longing was in my mind constantly and I saw nearly everything as a potential weapon.
When was the first time I tried to quit? In seventh grade, after meeting my best friend. When I started seventh grade things were really bad and I saw no reason to live. It was as if two months without bullying by my former classmates made my brain collapse. I didnt need to keep my guard up, and so I fell twice as hard. But then I met Beata and suddenly it wasnt too difficult to stop, since I wanted to keep her as my friend more than anything else. That time I was able to keep from self-injuring for a whole year.
Why didnt I get help earlier? For a variety of reasons. Mainly pride. And when I realised I had serious problems I was so addicted that I did not listen to the people surrounding me. I knew that if I sought help I would lose my only lifeline, the way I saw it. I simply wasnt ready. Its like taking the narcotics from a drug addict. If you dont really want to stop, it is impossible to.
How was I able to hide it for so long? In the beginning I only hurt myself during the winter, when it was too cold to wear t-shirts. As I was often kicked and hit at school I could easily fib if someone saw marks. Then we have the classical one, the fact that people didnt want to believe what they saw. No one wants to believe that an eleven year old kid would intentionally hurt herself. But as the addiction got worse, so did the lies. I have feigned sickness so as to stay away from swimming, skipped school to hurt myself without anyone interrupting, slipped into the bathroom during 10 minute breaks, and even blamed it on the cat. Another example is that I stopped letting people see me when I was changing. I had whole series of lies and tricks I used. In the end, it came naturally.
Am I worried about how people will treat me? Yes and no. Each time I am forced to or force myself to wear short sleeves it gets easier. I have learned, as I have said in a previous video, that it is not me personally they react against. It is the concept they are afraid of.
Can I be completely sure this is the last time I have a relapse? I can never be completely sure. I dont know what lies around the corner. But with each month that I dont self-injure I get more secure. If it happens again, it will be because of something really serious. Today it is two months since my relapse, and I feel that I have control over the addiction, not the other way around.
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kom och bada i min swimmingpool!by jagheteringenting8,305 views
Tack älskling, varje ord är sanning. Jag får min styrka från dig! <3
emd1987 2 years ago
Du är jättestark. Bra inlägg, tack dom för fina orden^^
Dragonssilvertear 2 years ago