The R4v3n (a Bing Blang Blaow poker parody)

This poem came from the epic "Bing Blang Blaow" thread on the twoplustwo.com poker forums.

http://forumserver.twoplustwo.com/54/poker-beats-brags-variance/created-victo...

CREDITS:
Produced & Directed by John 'JimmyLegs' Wray
Written by Jake 'defenestrate' Sapozhnikov
Narrated by Nathan Baker
Animation & Sound Design by John 'JimmyLegs' Wray

Once upon a midnight dreary,
while I grinded, buzzed and bleary,
On an NL50 table as I'd often done before,
Eagerly I wished the morrow;
vainly I had sought to borrow
From my cash surcease of sorrow
in the bosom of a whore -
With the loose and lusty lady
whom her patrons call Lenore -
In my heart forevermore.

Thus I sat heads up, unshaven,
with a player named 'The Raven.'
He existed for aggression,
treating poker like it's war;
With his beady gaze appraising,
he was raising, always raising
Any two! It was amazing,
such opponents I adore:
Wait for cards to loot the lagtard,
massive profits lie in store!
Soon that stack is his no more.

Then my hand Fortuna graces
with a pair of scarlet aces,
And I flat. The Raven raises.
I delay, my spirits soar.
Call. The flop comes single-suited,
and he shoves. It's undisputed:
He is begging to be looted,
he's a spewer to the core!
Now he has it, something tells me.
Intuition I ignore,
And I make the call once more.

"Bing blang blaow," the Raven uttered.
"What the bloody f***?" I sputtered,
And I numbly watched the table where
the Raven made his score
With a deuce and seven suited;
flopped the flush, and I was looted.
What a cooler!
Nerves uprooted, anger seeped through every pore.
Checked my roll,
which was constructed through the nanos' endless chore:
Eighty cents, and nothing more.

"Raven in the house!" he'd spoken and,
"This fifty is a token
Of my mammoth skill at poker.
You'd have spent it at the store
For your groceries, I'm guessing.
Well, too bad, is that distressing?
Soon I'll cash this verdant blessing;
ere I place it in my drawer,
I will rub it on my titties,
as I've done in days of yore.
Nothing else could please me more."

Such a rage his words did trigger,
and I shouted, "F***** n*****!
Shut your hole, o fishy offal
that has drifted to the shore!
Retard donk, you smell like midden!
Hope your mom's with cancer ridden!
And the words that you have written
slight legitimacy bore;
You will promptly lose that fifty,
knowing naught of Sklansky's lore,
Lose that bill and many more."

But the Raven cawed his ditty,
"Docs on file and cash on titty!
You're pathetic;
I feel pity as I never have before:
Sing of your denied nutrition
and express your true contrition,
With an adequate submission,
I might possibly restore
Your pecuniary status.
Bring your sorrows to the fore,
Only that, and nothing more."

Lacking money, feeling hollowed,
my apology had followed, "Bing blang blaow"
from lips departing as a fetid poisoned spore,
"Of my cash I have no traces
for Lenore's diseased embraces,
Nor to stuff our pudgy faces
with the burgers we adore!
I am sorry for my language,
ship some back, sir, I implore!"
Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore."

With my dollars he departed.
I stood up then, broken-hearted,
Threw my mouse and punched my laptop
and collapsed upon the floor,
And my eyes have all the seeming
of Phil Hellmuth's when he's steaming,
And my awful, tilted screaming
through my mouth will always pour;
And my roll from the vexation
that has pierced me to the core
Shall be lifted - nevermore.

Category:

Comedy

Tags:

• poker
• humor
• comedy
• raven
• r4v3n
• Edgar
• Allan
• Poe
• parody
• 2p2
• 2+2
• funny
• poem
• bing
• blang
• blaow
• ch3ckraise
• xtranormal
• state
• defenestrate
• jimmylegs
• halloween

[whiteshark761]

LOL...is that the judge from your trup queens video?

[CRJimmyLegs]

@whiteshark761 It's the same character model in xtranormal's software, not necessarily the same character. He seemed the most "Poe"-like.

[DRybes]

This might be the funniest xtranormal I have ever seen. Five stars.

[SethDis1337]

this is the greatest thing ive ever seen

[Numeronx]

this is fkin genius

[DUZOOOOO]

Taylor Caby wouldn't approve your bankroll management.

[adamtalley888]

lenor huh. you dam well know that's rose/balls so sick made in 2010 and there she is! :)

[fryingsok]

A triumph of the Edgar Allen Poe Parody genre. Wonderful.

[Mr5Minutes]

Happy Halloween!!!

[LastSasquatch]

I'm actually confused about how its possible for anyone to be smart enough to write this. I consider myself a smart person, but to actually think of this and put it into these words, defenestrate is an actual genius.

[elzeroooooo]

0:57 - 0:59 they r both on the button, that's a little mistake by the creator, but that didn't matter, I love this video either way :D

[matt2585]

Screen name 'Poe-nd' LOL

[niftymatt]

He has 7455 FTPs, he should just grind those out and get that $50 back, or he could sell them.

[Knilch23W]

I cant stop watching it. Its just too good.