Andy Gray & Richard Keys: Offside for women and Americans (in a non-biased or sexist format)

Football (soccer, if you must) is a simple game - two teams have 90 minutes to kick a ball into the other side's goal more times than their opponents can do to them. But some of the rules of football confuse people, none more so than the offside law.

We at LBUGtv, being the helpful souls that we are, have prepared this handy beginner's guide to offside.

We won't go into arguments surrounding interference, active and passive zones and phases of play here as that's a bit much for all but the monkey handed genius himself, Richard Keys.

Now you know the basics you too can "smash it" with the boys - just like our star striker and future footballer of the year, Brucie Bear who is kindly demonstrating how to stay on side. Now if someone would kindly let Emmanuel Adebayor in on the secret...

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[RafianoFandango]

Is it just me, but I'm pretty sure Brucie would only be offiside if he was there when the ball is played not when he gets the ball. Are you a woman referee?

[lbugtv]

@RafianoFandango Ah, fair point sir, fair point. But, as you see, Brucie's a big unit and if you've been following his career you'd know that he's about as mobile as Sol Campbell after a lock-in at the pie factory. When Brucie strays offside, Brucie stays offside.

[lbugfilms]

If Brucie had managed to stay onside Chelsea were going to offer 30 million for him

[lbugtv]

@lbugfilms If Brucie had made the World Cup squad he probably would have been England's best player.

[eraserhead321]

but what about those Brucie gang rape allegations?

[lbugtv]

@eraserhead321 Response from Brucie's lawyer: Brucie denies all knowledge of that event. He doesn't know the lady in question and categorically denies his presence. In the unlikely event that he does know her and that the allegations are true he'd like to say that he was led astray by John Terry and Ashley Cole but hopes this won't endanger his move to Spurs or be held against him when he appears before the court charged with a string of alcohol related offences in Newcastle city centre.

[dionision]

Probably only a bear by the Granddad rule. Jack Charlton job innit.

[till747]

Is it just me or is Brucie looking suspiciously rabbity around the ears? May be another Caster Semenya waiting to happen.