Reasons to hate the French - All Black Test preview

Steve Deane: Reasons to hate the French

They bake their bread in such a naughty shape.
They brag about their wine and worship the grape.
They criticise our food but then they eat loads of crepe.
That's why I hate the French.
- Rowan Atkinson

Rowan Atkinson sang a song about it, a couple of Poms wrote an exhaustive book about it, and even The Simpsons put the boot in.

French-baiting is practically a sport.

Why? Who knows? But as the opening lines of 50 Reasons to Hate the French says: "For all the magnificence of the Louvre and the Arc de Triomphe, for all the cultural joy of Debussy and Cezanne, for all the achievements of Joan of Arc and Napoleon, there just is something fishy about the French."

And they also have a nasty habit of beating us at our national game.

Reasons to hate the French

1.) THEY'RE RUBBISH

Since their first meeting in 1906, the All Blacks have played France 46 times, winning 34 times, losing 11 and drawing once. Over that span they have outscored the French 1122 points to 599 and scored 131 tries to 60. Take that, Les Losers.

2.) ... EXCEPT WHEN THEY BEAT US IN WORLD CUPS

The mighty All Blacks hadn't lost to France for a month short of seven years before the 2007 World Cup quarterfinal disaster in Cardiff.

Just once in the previous six matches had the All Blacks failed to crack 40 points, while the Frenchies' biggest haul in those matches was 13.

Surely there was no way a team that lost its opening game to Argentina could repeat the heroics of the 1999 Les Bleus? Surely? Somebody click their fingers so we all wake up from this nightmare.

3.) THEY LIE ABOUT THEIR SEX LIVES

On average, the French claim to have sex 137 times a year - the most in the world. Clearly not many French marry then.

That number compares with the British, who claim to have sex just 119 times a year. There is no available data for Kiwis, who were either too busy shagging to answer the researchers' phone calls or too repressed to even discuss it. Take your pick.

4.) THEY'RE A BUNCH OF COQS

Honestly, since when is chicken a suitable emblem for national pride?

Actually, since the Middle Ages, if you believe the French. The Coq Gaulois is the ultimate symbol of French dickishness - haughty and proud but really not all that impressive.

Compare it to, say, our national symbol. A, er, bird that doesn't fly, is pretty much blind and is too cowardly to show its beak in daylight hours.

On second thoughts, let's not go there at all.

5.) THEY'RE RUDE

The "Paris Syndrome" is a medically recognised type of depression which afflicts foreign visitors. It's caused by the sustained rudeness of French people to outsiders. True, apparently.

6.) THE RAINBOW WARRIOR

That's how you repay us for mucking in to save your butts in WWI and WWII? Cheers.

7.) THEY'RE CHEESE-EATING SURRENDER MONKEYS

Groundskeeper Willie's (from The Simpsons) description of the French in the build-up to the Iraq war struck a chord with an American public dismayed by France's lack of support for the venture.

Apparently the French weren't convinced Saddam Hussein had WMDs, didn't believe he had links to al Qaeda and Islamic terrorism and didn't think the conflict could be easily won. More fool them.

8.) THEY MESSED WITH BUCK'S SAC

The French boot that ripped open Buck Shelford's scrotum in the Battle of Nantes is often described as "errant". But no one au fait with French forward play of that era would consider it anything other than accurately placed.

Then again, if the slipper had missed its mark, generations of New Zealand fathers wouldn't have been able to impress upon their sons the importance of shrugging off minor niggles by recounting the tale of the great man calmly instructing the team physio to sew his ball back in place so he could finish the match.

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[KFphil]

We don't hate the all-blacks, Rugby doesn't follow this way, it's made with respect and combat... I'm french and my favorite team is the all-blacks, so don't speak like this about french and rugby ...

[kershen]

Well said, its quite sad Americans are pissed at us for refusing entering their gay war that obviously failed on so many levels.

And again, they WOULD still be british if it wasnt for us. And yet we dont tease them day and night about it. I believe this type of american population is simply jealous of france and how its turning out to be a better democracy and nation than the US is.

[Jdigeon]

its true that France made horrible mistakes, but Spain is not an angel. Do you think that Spain really apologised for what they have done to the natives in America. I don' t think so. The lesson that everyone has to learn is that every nation has done something stupid!

[pjamfan09]

theliberalparis the italians dont get as much shit about ww2 cause they hing their leader in the middle of the street along with his wife and spat on his body. also they didnt have any camps murdering blacks, jews, gypsies and whoever else .... but any country that rolls over and dies in 8 weeks during a war doesnt deserve to be considered a country

[mymagnoliatree]

You think there is only rugby and football?

you are showing your ignorance. Do you have a passport? If you are one of the 1 in 5 Americans who do, then travel to Europe and you'll see there is more to it than that.

[ghostofblues]

I'm french and this country of mine did a lot of good things and bad as well. just like every country in this world. I don't juge people. I take them for what they are and what they are not. If a lot of foreigners come to live in my country this must be because it's still a good place to live. I live in the south of france and i am friends with a lot of different people and we share some good times together. By the way, french fries were invented in Belgium. haters are losers

[termite122]

fench are a bunch of god dam cowards..little bitches that are yellow..they should have been wiped out in the war..i wont even eat french fries..

[grdforce]

there are only 3 kinds of peolpe who cant or wont speak english, the poor,the old or the fxxxxxx en french,come on,if your a international level sports man and you cant speak english, i hate this,smug race,

[ThunderRoad1122]

we r british,irish,and german yes that is what makes uo the us.

[theliberalparis]

it's always the same song, if we didn't save you during world war 2, you'd be speaking german and bla bla bla, I say OK

but what about Lafayette ? you'd be British without us. and most of all, why don't the Italians get any shit ? They really fucked the worst during WW2.

[mastermihir]

is the guy the no. 8?