No Tough Love with Borderline Personality Disorder

Tami Green addresses the question of how most effectively to communicate with your loved one with BPD. During this question and answer session to family members, Tami discusses the subject of tough love.

Category:

Education

Tags:

• tough love
• borderline
• borderline personality
• bpd
• suicide
• self harm
• borderline disorder
• bipolar

[urbanprop]

I was diagnosed at the age of 21. At the age of 28, I left therapy and was no longer classified as BPD.

At the beginning of the sessions, I needed a lot of understanding and as you said no tough love. At the end of my therapy, I needed just that: tough love. Somebody who doesn't allow me to walk all over them while manipulating and not letting me get away with poor excuses since my therapist was sure, I knew better. And she was right.

[bpdsupport]

Excellent comment :) And also excellent to know you recovered!

[bpdsupport]

There are more or less effective ways of communicating and a validating style is more helpful all the way around.

This presentation was given to parents who found it very helpful to learn how to understand their children.

Research indicates that a validating environment helps a sensitive child gain a stronger sense of self.

Be yourself. Tell the truth. Maintain your boundaries. With someone with BPD or without. But do so skilllfully :-)

Validate. validate. validate.

Love to all, Tami

[bpdsupport]

PN:

I think there is much confusion surrounding the issue of "tough love". We, as healthy individuals, maintain our personal boundaries with others. But many are extreme in that they either are too lax, or they sadly sacrifice the relationship for the objective, when that is not their intent. Skillful BPD communication requires a gentle, firm, consistent and compassionate approach.

Love to all, Tami

[Anaprince]

I like this lady. She gets it. All the therepists Ive been to blow. lol

[CuteCatFaith]

@misstiggykins Good point. A kind sincere word, some empathy, can go a long way.

[CuteCatFaith]

@ChrisJJonson She needs lines drawn and terms and you need support when she wears you down. She may have been abused or neglected and will stop at NOTHING to keep you with her, even breaking you down and abusing you.

[CuteCatFaith]

@tweakz20 Bravo.

[Jozzie16]

I was looking for another kind of personality disorder, but this is really interesting. It must be harder to overcome BPD as you get older since there's often no one there to put down those "boundaries"....

[lambchopclmt]

@Eshrimpski omg thank you for saying that. ever sense my parents learned i had BPD they think it's an excuse for there behavior "oh, she *in reality pulled my through the living room by my hair* wasn't given her way, she's just acting out that damn BPD -Shake fits-" If you get what i mean, and that wasn't an exageration either. Now that i have been diagnosed EVERY is even MORE so my fault. i am CRAZY they don't do any wrong it's all me, I'm wrong in ever way.

[tomasso123]

My ex girl-friend has BPD. She was so lovely on the outside with a charming but her BPD made it very difficult for me to deal with. Our relationship was like a rollercoaster and i've experienced everything from her cheating on me on accasions, spending nights in the hospital because she fell (due to alcohol). Now its been 8 weeks and I miss her so much. I cannot understand why?

[TMWruns]

The psych world is inhospitable to people with BPD--everything is about how to live with a person with BPD, and most articles & books say the condition is untreatable--ergo throw this human being in the garbage and get on with your life without them. It's the cruelest situation--psych world should be ashamed. We SUFFERED when we were children--and you did not--so now you trash us because you had the good fortune of having a good upbringing? The world is screwed up.

[TMWruns]

@midsta this is a very stupid comment, really. People with BPD, myself included, have had a hellish life, starting with a hellish childhood that caused the whole problem in the first place. Why should you have to tip-toe? Because you, assuming you are as perfectly healthy as you claim, have had the benefit of a wonderful childhood. So now the price is that you have to tolerate those who did not have that same benefit.

[o0bustedbearings0o]

@PNHassett from my perspective I appreciate when someone calls me out on behavior that is unnecessary when it is done tactfully and with regard to my feelings. I feel that, too often, the circumstances surrounding "tough love" are not ideal for promoting a positive sense of understanding. Family members, being upset, tend to react rather than respond. Essentially, what's being promoted is keeping your cool in a situation where you are a more qualified candidate to do so.

[o0bustedbearings0o]

@Eshrimpski keeping track of the number of times I hear "get over it" from my mom and the "mentally ill" comment in a confrontation, let alone a week, is almost impossible. My mom tells me I'm overly sensitive all the time as well. Worse than that is when I get "oh please, here we go with the emotions again" or "bring on the drama".

There should be a manual on parenting as extensive as the encyclopedia britannica.