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Rotten Apple Training Series Vol. 1: How To Be a Phoney

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Uploaded on Aug 15, 2009

And so here it is: the contents of the briefcase that Iamaphoney left in Rome, Italy. Inside was an old beta max videotape amongst other materials pertaining to the creation of the Project Apple: Underground Legion (P.A.U.L.)

It is rumored that there is a second tape somewhere deep in the heart of East Africa...


Here is what I've learned so far:

In 1966 there was a South African nurse working at the Moi Teaching and Referral Hospital in Kenya, East Africa. Her name was Pamela Bastock. She had already been with the hospital for seven years when in September of that year a man was brought to the hospital whose face had been badly scarred in an automobile accident. That man was one James Paul McCartney. Only a few short days after his appearance at the Melody Maker awards ceremony Paul was involved in a car wrecked with Mohammed Hadjij, a Moroccan student whom he had only first met at a party hours before. The car had wrecked in a telephone pole, but Paul had sustained the worse of the injuries as he was not wearing a seatbelt and was flown from the car, landing face-first into the pavement some 15 feet away. Miraculously, aside from a dislocated shoulder and a badly sprained ankle, Paul was alive but greatly disfigured. Apple quickly covered up the details of the accident since the last they wanted was for the press to have a field day at the expense of "the pretty Beatle" and his newfound deformity. And just as quickly they had him flown to Nairobi to the Moi Teaching and Referral Hospital, where doctors there were known to have made great advancements in the field of facial reconstruction.

The doctors performed a number of procedures on Paul's face over the next few days, during which time Pamela became absolutely smitten with Paul, doting on his every whim. Normally nurses weren't allowed to visit the "special" patients, but an exception was made for her since she was already a fan of the Beatles' music and would have snuck in to see him anyway.

Just when the doctors seemed to be on the verge of a total recovery of Paul's face, tragedy struck. Somehow, by incompetence or just freakish bad luck a syringe that had just been used to treat a patient with Malaria was used to administer pre-surgery anesthetic to Paul's face. The infection spread rapidly, and reached Paul's brain before the doctors could even determine what was wrong. Within a few short hours, James Paul McCartney was dead.

Naturally EMI was outraged and Brian Epstein threatened the clinic with a class-action lawsuit. But a compromise was made. There was a young man, a nobody named William Sheppard who hung about Cavendish Avenue all the time, singing Beatles songs in the nearby park for money as a sort of Paul McCartney look-alike-sound-alike. John always thought he was a dead-ringer for Paul (though JPM disagreed), and he was the first to suggest that instead of letting the Beatles die with Paul, that this young man take Paul's place, if only for a while. He was soon thereafter flown to Africa with Mal Evans. There he had a few minor cosmetic surgeries and Mal Evans, steadfast by his side, taught Bill all he knew about Paul's mannerisms. And the rest, as they say, is history.

Except there is a nurse alive. A nurse who saw it all happen. A nurse named Pamela Bastock, whom Apple paid richly to stay quiet about this matter. She invested her money wisely, used the riches to retire young and, eventually became one of the most powerful, if reclusive millionaires in Africa.

In 1980, following the death of John Lennon, she decided that she couldn't keep quiet anymore. She partnered with Derek Taylor to create P.A.U.L., a project intended to slowly disseminate the information of Paul's death and replacement in such a subtle manner that Bill himself would never catch on. After much brainstorming they decided that multimedia was the best avenue for distributing this information, and proceeded to look for fresh talent, no-namers who could never be tied to them personally. They found their first recruit in a young man named Ian Walsh (who, while in the company, used the pseudonym "Ian Iachamoe").

Ian abandoned the notion of Paul is Dead altogether for several years, instead starting the band Boghandle with his childhood friend, Martin Lind. Several years after Boghandle broke up, however.....Iamaphoney was born. Martin Lind was brought in to handle sound production sometime around RA 40. The Rotten Apple Army was reborn, but this time, without Pamela's guidance. She still lives in Nairobi, waiting for the day that Ian promised her would come: the day of the revelation.

That, or I'm making shit up at random.
You know...the way "He" does.

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