D.C. Wood's AWFUL Poems...ON STAGE!!! - Rats!

D.C. Wood has a problem.

He's a 25-year-old sales assistant who works on WHSmith's news department, he's single and he suffers from Asperger's syndrome.

And he's a writer...or so he thinks.

He dreams of making a successful career out of his work, having already written fan fiction, an audio book ("Nameless") and a novel (The Saviour: Book 1). He dreams of fine dining with the likes of Agatha Christie, Ian Fleming, the Rev W. Awdry and Roald Dahl, and enjoying the same level of success of Stephanie Meyer, Dan Brown, J.K. Rowling and Basil Brush. Yet all he gets is rejections, and offers from vanity publishers. Though he has gotten good feedback from Amazon customers...

Anyway, desperate to get his name out...he's secured a gig. A stand up animated spot featuring a performance of his best (really, he means worst!) poems in front of a live audience. But D.C.'s problems don't stop there. As he - and you - discover that he can't draw, he can't animate...and he can only pull a crowd of SIX.

If that's not mental enough, they're all STICK FIGURES.

And they all hate his stuff. And they only come along for the fact that there's free drink.

Still, with Olympic Standard blues musician Matt Schofield and the wonders of YouTube behind him, the optimistic and ever-hopeful D.C. Wood presents...His Awful Poems On Stage!

Oh, God...

***

Rats!

By gum, I hate rats!
They swarm everywhere like knats!
Although knats aren't as bad as rats,
They really are pestilent...twats.

There! Ah said it! Hope you rats are proud!
For too long, I've been livin' in this 'ere cloud!
It's affected me mind, all these vapours!
They circle around me house like neighbours' bloody capers!

Going back to these 'ere rats,
They constantly attack me cats!
These rabies-carrying, wingless bats!
They should all be put down and turned into hats!

I should count me blessings, I suppose.
Rats aren't as bad as bats, by my big nose.
Bats come in all shapes and sizes!
Fruit bats, night bats, daft bats, day bats...
All sorts of airborne rodents...
No, what's the word?
Chiropteran! That's it!
All sorts of chiropteran that take you by surprise!

These rats have got me so wound up now,
That I'm not even rhyming anymore!
Ah tell ya! I'm losin' it now!
I don't know why I bother anymore!

Ya see? I'm just repeatin' what I said!
What I wouldn't give to have all these rats dead!
That way I could settle down instead!
And have some lovely buttered and toasted bread!

Ah! Ah think I'm better now!
Sorry to get all wound up like this!
Ah've just had a really bad row!
With none other than the missus!

Over what to do over these bastard rats!

***

N.B. "What I Wanna Hear" is by Matt Schofield. Copyright Nugene Records.

P.S. I HAD contacted Matt Schofield and Nugene records - SEVERAL TIMES!!! - to see if it was okay to use this song for this project, and they never replied. NO INFRINGEMENT IS INTENDED. PURELY FOR FUN.

Category:

Film & Animation

Tags:

• D.C. Wood
• Poetry
• Animation
• Rats
• Episode 1
• Awful
• Poems
• On
• Stage