I Can Achieve and Do Anything If I Only Put My Mind to It

Everything you Need to Know about Narcissists, Psychopaths, and Abuse - click on this link: http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/faq1.html

From an early age we are taught (at least in the USA) that there is no limit to what we can achieve; that if we wish to accomplish something all we need to do is set ourselves goals and then apply ourselves to their attainment. With time and dedication, we are told, positive outcomes are guaranteed and ineluctable no matter how high we set the bar. There are no unrealistic aspirations - only insufficient perspiration and lacking inspiration!

This is a narcissistic and delusional narrative. It is counterproductive because in reality we do have limitations, we suffer defeats, and we make mistakes. No one is infallible, invincible, omnipotent, or omniscient.

But, exposed to this onslaught of propaganda, aimed at boosting our self-esteem and puffing up our self-confidence, when, inevitably, we fail in some of our endeavors - we tend to blame ourselves: "If only I had tried harder", or "I am such a loser, a lazy good-for-nothing, I never get it right!"

Such inner sadistic voices tend to deplete our energy and discourage us from trying again. In hock to the official line that casts us as absolute masters of our own fate, we'd rather abstain than be proven wrong. By attributing failures to our failings, we become the reification of our own "bad fortune" or "indolence". We give up on life's challenges, engulfed by fatalism and defeatism.

Some of us choose another path: "If I botched and bungled it, surely I didn't want it that badly" (a reaction known as "cognitive dissonance"). This kind of self-deception is equally self-destructive. It teaches us that nothing really matters, everything is fun and games and should not be taken too seriously. Reality and personal history are what you make of them and are subjects to re-writing, reframing, and outright confabulation.

How to avoid these pitfalls?

First, you should develop a realistic gauge of your fortes and weaknesses, talents and shortcomings, skills and limitations. Make a list of your own positive and negative traits. Ask others - family members, friends, co-workers, people who know you well - to commit to paper their observations: your good and bad sides. If they are reluctant to risk your ire find a way to allow them to submit their input anonymously.

Now, compare the lists: the one that you have generated with the ones others have provided. Are they largely in agreement? If they are, it means that you know yourself well and that you evaluate your capabilities or lack thereof courageously and objectively.

If, however, there is an abyss between the way you see yourself and the way others view you, something is wrong with your self-assessment.

Concentrate on the questionnaires of those who know you best, longest, and in a variety of situations. Single out their responses which conflict with yours. Proceed to grade these answers on a scale of 1 to 5 with 5 being "I completely agree". Isolate those reactions and descriptions that you have rated most highly. Are you ready to change your mind about some issues? Do you recognize yourself in some of this feedback? Give yourself time to digest all this conflicting information. Think about it hard and long. Can you come up with incidents and events in the past which support your view - or theirs? Try to return to your list and re-do it in light of these new data.

This protracted inner dialog is important. You are bound to emerge from it with a better, more functional appraisal of yourself. You will learn to set goals that are realistic are are unlikely to result in frustration and emotional pain. Getting acquainted with your limitations is the first step towards a balanced, mentally hale life. You and your nearest and dearest will benefit from it immensely.

(First published in the blog "So What I Really Meant")

(From the book "Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited" by Sam Vaknin - Click on this link to purchase the print book, or 16 e-books, or 3 DVDs with 16 hours of video lectures on narcissists, psychopaths, and abuse in relationships: http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/thebook.html)

Category:

Education

Tags:

• can do
• omnipotent
• self-esteem
• self-confidence
• grandiosity
• false self
• reality
• limitations
• shortcomings
• failure
• loser
• defeat
• skills
• talents
• abilities
• capabilities
• narcissist
• narcissism
• delusional
• education

[nolslifegren]

The American Dream is Narcissism / Psychopathic behaviour writ large ...

[Tweek12345]

I like your last two videos on narcissism. I think they explain narcissism a little better and are also very helpful.... also I like all your other videos, great stuff!

[organysntracey1]

My parents used to say that, "if you didn't get it, you must've not wanted it bad enough". I hated that, because when I want something I give it my all, and I know that's not true andro wasn't true then. Another favorite as a child, which I have said to myself more often than not is, "if I didn't get it, it must not be meant to be"... is that a more healthy approach?

[mildpace]

Samvaknin, thanks for the video.

I thought, am inherently so great that i can do what ever i want, just by thinking, so i was afraid to stop thinking. I was also shy, ambitious and timid, which probably made to take this path to perfection.

I have been struggling with this ever since, now i am so anxious that i cant eve pick up a book and read.

I find it so strange myself that i have been trying to be perfect even after failure, embarassments, depression, anxiety, insomnia, etc.

[kellycat2552]

One last response. I have been a Special Education Teacher, and I have done exactly what you have stated to help children achieve a reasonable approach to achievement. Unfortunately, this country stresses academic achievement more than learning a trade etc. It is part of the times we live in. There are many students who would be able to achieve much more if they were encouraced to learn a trade. In light of "outsourcing" trades such as electrician, plumber etc, cannot be outsourced. 

[kellycat2552]

Sam, Lets get real. In reality, even with limitation, people can achieve more in America than ANYWHERE else in the world. My grandparents came from Italy during the 1920s and they earned more here than they EVER could have earned in Sicily. They didn't go to school, because of language and cultural beliefs, but now 3 generations later, I live VERY well. I have degrees and participate in bettering society. I think I am a good example of what could happen ONLY IN AMERICA! NOTHING IS PERFECT.

[tinyctlo]

Maybe immigration can cause one to have NPD? Adjusting to a new society can intimidate one;s confidence...

[lawndogmoon2]

Excellent video and I agree completely. I live in America and both my parents and some teachers in school claimed "I Can Achieve and Do Anything If I Only Put My Mind to It." They particularly claim that here in America we can do anything because we have freedom here. I think people who say that are also looking to insult other countries and ways of living. ie self-richeous.