Confronting Parents—Its Risk & Value (1 of 2)

A two-part introduction to the subject of confronting parents—for the damages and traumas they have done to you. Although there can be, for various reasons, a great value in confronting parents, its also laden with risk, and I urge being very cautious in confronting. Sometimes the cost of confronting is complete rejection from the family, which can be emotionally devastating to almost anyone—though for others can be a liberation unto itself.

Although we might wish that parents would own the trauma that they inflicted, often it is simply too difficult for them, because of their own history of abuse—and their own inability to have ever confronting their own traumatizers.

For more on this subject visit my website, www.iraresoul.com

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• confronting
• parents
• trauma
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• anger
• rage
• childhood
• child
• sexual
• abuse
• rejection
• Alice
• Miller
• Daniel
• Mackler
• healing
• recovery
• iraresoul.com
• traumatizer
• narcissistic

[ThePingu63]

With regard to the whole issue of passing the injustice done to you by your parents onto your own children, there are exceptions. I was physically abused as a child but I made a very definite and lifelong commitment to not do the same to my own kids. They have grown up to be wonderful human beings who, I hope, will have no need to turn around and blame me for causing them any pain.

I guess my past comes out in a slight propensity to depression, but I cope with it quite well.

[dmackler58]

thanks for your comments. i have seen cases where what seem to be exceptions are actually not exceptions. it may not apply to your situation, but i know many people who became infinitely better parents than their own parents, but still caused their children real pain in subtle ways. sometimes this is hard for both parents and children to acknowledge, especially in comparison to the horrors the parents went through when they were children.

[ThePingu63]

Yes, that is probably the case. However, I don't believe that there are any perfect parents who in the course of their parental careers have no negative effects whatever on their offspring. I don't think that even the ones who themselves were brought up without being abused in any way are able to do that. Sadly we don't live in Nirvana.

[dmackler58]

Interesting. I think some parents are better than others, but at this point I think perfect parents---or "parents who themselves were brought up without being abused"---don't exist. I think they could exist someday, but in my opinion anyone I've ever met has been abused to one degree or other, and every parent I've met so far is imperfect...

All the best, Daniel

[pellhell]

Interesting video. I do disagree with your comments on animal. Maybe I misunderstand you tho IDK

[dmackler58]

thanks pellhell---

well, i would think that my comments on animals apply in many cases, but perhaps not all. i'm just going on my experience of knowing many intense animal rights' activists. i respect the work they do, but sometimes it can be pretty split off from their awareness of the reality and consequences of their own childhood histories...

--daniel

[ogkeedah]

Tweeted

[chloe2shoes]

as a psychologist i appreciate your vids. your work here will hopefully encourage people to commit to a professional relationship with a well trained psychologist, analyst, or licensed mental health worker and begin the personal work towards healing. Healing is to become WHOLE again.

[paragshah2112]

excellent work. very insightful. great video. thanks.

[Neilgs]

@pellhe I think he is making a wonderful point here. The excessive caring for animals, and I have known many, often serves as a rather substantive transference or safety net. In other words, to compensate for confronting the otherwise more dangerous underlying realities of dealing with extraordinarily difficult feelings from one's childhood. Often this warm obsession (or the compensatory preference) keeps one's more difficult (unvoiced/non-integrated, non-accessed) feelings"safely" in check.

[scotchvelo]

Why don't parents - or anyone else for that matter - make any effort to resolve their own traumas? Because, like most of us, unless they are in an incredible amount of psychological suffering (depression, panic attacks, psychosis, etc), there's no incentive to do so. Make it uncomfortable enough, then maybe. But if they're sufficiently comfortable, why bother?

[Tubbielou]

Thank you so much. It was so helpful.

[s7s7Joy]

GOD BLESS YOU FOR PUTTING THIS UP. There is not enough information or help out there for this problem. Thanks SOOO much.

[L1ber8ted]

Wonderful video series, thank you.

[ComplexPTSD]

You are quite brilliant, Mackler.

[LuluBre02]

You are soo right about everything you say. But the part about advocating for animals....I realize many cases are due to childhood abuse but I think if a child were brought up properly, they would naturally defend animals because they see how worthy they are....just like they were treated as a kid. It can go both ways....dont u think?