How To Translate What a Politician Says

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Politicians speak their own special language. We're here to translate it for you.

To complete this How-To you will need:

An ear for pandering
A knowledge of political doubletalk and euphemisms

Step 1: Identify those "real Americans"

When a candidate boasts of meeting "real Americans," it means they've been forced to go bowling and eat funnel cakes with people who earn less per month than they pay for a suit.

Step 2: Recognize the artful dodge

Recognize a dodge when you hear it: "I don't answer hypotheticals" means "I don't have a clue what I'd do if that happened."

Tip: When a candidate says, "with all due respect," they mean nothing of the sort.

Step 3: Read between the lines

Read between the lines. A call to "strengthen Social Security" usually means cutting benefits.

Step 4: Beware of the word "balance"

Beware of the word "balance," as in "we need to find balance." That's political-speak for "In the interest of being elected, I'm trying to have it both ways."

Step 5: Interpret "I'd consider that"

When a politician running for office answers a policy question with "That's certainly something I'd look at," it means "There's no way in hell that's gonna happen, but I don't want to alienate you by saying so."

Step 6: Decipher "protect your freedom"

Learn to decipher the phrase "protect your freedom." Coming out of the mouth of an elected official, it either means "I'm going to trample on some civil rights," or "I may have to attack another country." Or both.

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Category:

Howto & Style

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• democrat
• how-to
• howcast
• politician
• republican
• translate

[jogeryjogo]

what if a canidate says "i promise to let the vagina of freedom take the dick of prosperity hard into itself but the cum of terrorism will not impregnate the minds of our children"

[jobedied]

The american indians used to call this speaking with the forked tonque . Now the arrogant hubris filled senate and congress speak to us the same way. Instead of taking our land they take money and freedoms.

[Sewblon]

@jogeryjogo He probably means that he will allow illegal immigrants and Chinese imports to continue to enter America, but he won't repeal the PATRIOT Act. 

[yomejustacandy]

@tikl2DX Well, some Dutch folks came to american and their son ran for resident, kinda self explanatory.

[djsims2]

"Politicians speak their own special language"

"Yeah, Bullshit"

[cymonebreathe]

so true smh lol...

[3DInteractiveGun]

Someone needs to add subtitles to a political debates.

[LexiBandGeek]

@Andybaby lol Seinfeld reference FTW

[Andybaby]

Don't mess with the those Van Buren Boys..

[nukeboy14]

@fireskuller bi means two, so it doesn't take much more thinking than that

[McNibbler]

lol