Loving Gaze, Adulating Gaze: False vs. True Self

Everything you Need to Know about Narcissists, Psychopaths, and Abuse - click on this link: http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/faq1.html

Both the True Self and the False Self depend on the gaze of others. The False Self relies on adulation and attention -- narcissistic supply -- for the maintenance of the precarious, confabulated, fantastic, grandiose, and counterfactual narrative that is the narcissist's persona, his public face. Without a constant flow of such high-quality input and feedback, without the adulating gaze, the narcissist crumbles like a house of ephemeral cards and resorts to a variety of dysfunctional, self-destructive, and self-defeating behaviors and defense mechanisms.

Similarly and equally, the True Self needs a loving gaze to sustain itself. Another person's love serves two purposes: it confirms the existence of the True Self as a lovable object and thus lays the groundwork and facilitates the necessary and sufficient conditions for self-love; and it allows the True Self to perceive the existence of a "safe", loving, and holding other. Such insight is at the very foundation of empathy.

Do the False and True Selves ever fight it out, David vs. Goliath, Good vs. Evil, The Beaver vs. Walter?

Alas, they never do. The False Self is concocted by the narcissist to fend off hurt. It is a perfect, impenetrable, impermeable shield, a cocoon; it rewards the narcissist by flooding him with warm, fuzzy, exhilarating feelings; and it sustains the narcissist's delusions and fantasies. The False Self is the narcissist's dreams come true. In other words: as far as the narcissist is concerned, the False Self is adaptive and functional. The narcissist is emotionally invested in the False Self and he despises the True Self for having failed to cope with the exigencies and vicissitudes of the narcissist's life.

(From the book "Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited" by Sam Vaknin - Click on this link to purchase the print book, or 16 e-books, or 3 DVDs with 16 hours of video lectures on narcissists, psychopaths, and abuse in relationships: http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/thebook.html)

Category:

Film & Animation

Tags:

• The Beaver
• Mel Gibson
• Jodi Foster
• narcissist
• narcissism
• false self
• true self
• adulation
• love
• gaze
• other
• grandiosity
• delusions
• fantasies
• cocoon
• shield
• pain
• hurt
• omnipotence
• omniscience
• charisma
• social skills
• depression
• persona

[Dassy0607]

Fascinating insight....

[Pippisongbird]

Examples:

A person who acts tough and goes on about how they are NOT a victim, a person who seeks out safe people to bully and boss, a person who tells stories of how strong they are---their false self is this Strong Person while their true self is scared, timid and even cowardly. Their true self is terrified of being exposed as vulnerable so they puff themselves up and look for easy targets. They have no empathy. They say things like, "grow a backbone" to others and enjoy calling others weak.

[bluestmarble]

@Danellixd LOL!!! I need to have another beer while I think on that one. :)

[bluestmarble]

@Pippisongbird Dangerous? Nope - he's a complete wuss, and terrified of the thought of jail/prison (he'd never survive.)

And I've found the two mechanisms that they can't stand: 1) Have a secret they don't want revealed to the rest of their "world", and 2) Tell them (while they're engaging in some lie) that you find them and their lies FUNNY. Keep repeating this.

You can't do it with a dangerous one - but a weak one knows you have the upper hand and, hating strength, he retreats :)

[bluestmarble]

@Pippisongbird Frankly, I had found out - not that he told me - that he is a Registered Sex Offender in my state. His crime? Sexual relations w/ youngteens he chatted w/online (he had been in his 20's.)

He thought his false self was "perfect" (and it was for awhile) and that everybody was too stupid to figure it out. :) So yep, I enjoyed his terror and tears when I confronted him - and he fears I'll spread the word.

I'm not the praying sort, but I absolutely left this RSO alone. :)

[Anastrodamus]

or he may be describing Donald Trump. lol.

[Anastrodamus]

BUt isnt this describing 99% of the population?

[Pippisongbird]

@bluestmarble It's best not to delight in his failures. It almost sounds like you enjoy comparing yourself to him which makes you just as bad he is if that is the case. If he's that 'low' why even compare yourself to him? Pray for him and leave him alone.

[Pippisongbird]

@bluestmarble Some people go pretty nuts over Blu-Ray. Be careful of this guy. Seriously, he could be dangerous especially if you are telling him that he doesn't have a life. People like that can become very envious and dangerous.

[bluestmarble]

@Danellixd See, and maybe for me that's the difference? I run marathons, travel the world, experience success and failure... but I don't see the world as largely "competitive." Whereas the N that I know doesn't do anything (except stay at home and play online PS3 games.) And yet, because of all my experiences, I'd say my life is meaningful and unique... whereas when he looks back on life, what will he see? Days of playing PS3? He will have rendered his own life meaningless - so sad...