Loved Ones Codependence in BPD Relationships

Author and Life Coach, A.J. Mahari, talks to loved ones of those with BPD - non borderlines - about the need for boundaries. If you do not have healthy boundaries for yourself what results is codependent, enmeshed, enabling, relating. Relationships between those with BPD and non borderlines contain a toxic dynamic. Part of that dynamic is the result of codependent choices on the part of non borderlines.

Category:

Education

Tags:

• aj mahari
• bpd family
• loved ones of bpd
• boundaries and bpd

[nikoli7]

I find it hard to believe that you are "recovered". I do believe you believe in your meaning in being a "life coach", but this is a disease in the brain. What kind of acceptance is it if you "won/recovered". I honestly see having BPD as like having alcoholism/addiction. It's a disease I accept and live with, I recover, I'm never recovered.

[ajmahari]

@nikoli7 You are entitled to your opinion. BPD is not, however, a proven "brain disease" at all. That message is being marketed by drug companies using biopsychiatrists. I have recovered. Even if BPD has "brain" aspects or neurological aspects to it they are aspects that can be changed. What we believe is what we experience. I hope you will continue to read more and different sources so that you can find hope. Recovery is possible.

[OneEyedJack1970]

You said people with BPD tend to try to live through others. Is that why so many of them are control freaks?

[ajmahari]

@OneEyedJack1970 Yes they do, and often without being aware of that. This is part of what causes them to try to control others and the environment versus controlling "self". They don't know who the "self" is to control it and they aren't skilled in regulating their own emotions. Triggered dysregulated emotions are often projected out onto others and experienced as if coming from others instead of that not well-known "self" inside those with BPD. So, without endorsing the word, "freaks", yes.

[Lalachicki]

Im still in contact with the ex's family. I find it weird because his mother and sister contact me and seemingly want me around. He is currently giving me the silent treatment (in which we broke up under). My question is, do you think it is in my best interest to move on and stop all contact with the family because of his actions. I understand the codependance thing because my problem is that I am a "nice person" lol. I do not want to leave him without him getting help. No one else has tried

[ajmahari]

@Lalachicki Taking care of yourself would be your best bet, whatever that means to your question. Sounds like his family is hoping (or was hoping) that you could somehow get through to him in ways that they haven't been able to. You have to decide if moving on is best for you. At the heart of the "codependence thing" is not having healthy needed limits because one thinks it's not nice to have those boundaries. What you will benefit from has nothing to do with whether or not you are nice.

[ajmahari]

I hope that you realize the pain that sits inside of you, under your anger. You can direct insults my way but how is that going to help your pain? How will that teach you what you need to learn to take care of yourself?

I wish you nothing but healing.

[LiaTyson]

I am codependant on my mum :(

[Lalachicki]

@ajmahari Thank you for that great advice. I have moved on.

[Trickynikii1]

Thank you AJ! My BPD ex and I parted ways a month ago and it’s been a painful journey. While i had concerns about his behaviour i did not realise until we broke up what was "actually" occurring. I was wearing blinkers. It is so easy to blame ourselves however this video made me realise that I was trying to set boundaries with him and like you said I was concerned about wounding him. He seemed to be listening but it wasn’t sinking in. The same issue would resurface which lead to many frustration

[majikstranger]

I just took a break from the BPD in my life. It hurt more then expected. My life revolved around her for 5 years non stop. I gave her credit because she did get a whole lot better as im very good with people and psychology and an empath. However its like she just can't make the final connections in her mind, shes at that "borderline". I know im important to her, but i know at any moment her fears will be greater then my love and i just can't be number 2

[nakkadu]

@ajmahari The BPD in my life is my sister-in-law, you obviously understand this from her point of view, but more importantly from my brother's point of view. This "affliction" affects EVERYONE in the BPD's life, the fact you are talking openly about this proves to me (and hopefully to nikoli7) that you really have been there and now understand what you were doing. Your video is helpful and hopeful thankyou.

[bernieo1451]

I have finally left the BPD that was in my life. This has been so hard to do but so necessary. The relationship was so destructive. Thank you for your apprpropriate and timely words. It has given me the belief that I deserve better!!! I know that it's hard but letting go of the patterns of past have caused so much pain that no longer serve us is so much better.

[777Chileno]

I think this is one of the best videos i seen, that discribes BPD, i like when you say that "Boundaries" are like gives, that they may open later, and maybe finally understand! I just ended my ralationship with my girlfriend, who clearly has BPD, 110% of what i heard of BPD, fits so well on my ex girlfriends profile... Maybe its wrong for me to say that beacuse im not an expert, I actually gave up, she never understod my boundaries, and i putting my mental health first. almost lost my own mind..