Need a favour - Critics required

Hi, video says it all really, I'd love to hear what people think of a short film script I wrote a few months back. It's 7 pages long and on pdf. It shows my home address but I don't live there anymore!

Also have a 142 page feature film script I'd be keen on hearing some thoughts on, if you want to have a look please email me dunkfranklin@googlemail.com

Here's the link for the short : http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/AtEternitynsGate.pdf

Let me know what you think. Many thanks

Dunk

Category:

Entertainment

Tags:

• criticise

[GPaDLA]

i liked it! :D..

it was cool, i saw it all in my head. My favorite part was young Donald at the Loch.

[indigodawn2]

An effective interpretation of Van Gogh's piece. Well written and descriptive. The ending leaves you thinking and questioning the behaviour and actions of the main character.....a good ending because the scene stays with you. Good work Dunk and good luck with your script writing

[PrincessLotusFlower]

Hey Dunk.

How can I find you on facebook? We need to be friends.

You are hilarious.

[hairy0pothead]

Yeah!

[SauronsEye]

Eternity's Gate....makes sense for the most part but how do you propose, when translated to video, to show that the young couple by the Loch is a younger Donald and his girlfriend? It's not obvious that he's reminiscing.

The ending...got me confused. Is he sad that this is what his life has become...pensioner coach trips or is he sad because he no longer has his lovely girlfriend with him, who we presume was his bride and has now passed away?

Or is he sad cause he didn't end it with the pie?

[littlebuffyfreak]

I do plan on reading both of your scripts, should be next week though I am currently during my exam week in University.. so I should get to studying =)

[antbrawler]

Will be sure to give it a read in abit, nice to see a more personal.. if you like, video from you.

[davisfontanes]

well dunk send me it and I can send it to my friend Matty he is with the william morris talent agency...I can read it and have him read it..THATS A PROMISE

[Italianbrit125]

Over-all I think it was a great read. The only think I would consider changing in the script is using a bit more descriptive language. Some words and scenarios tend to be a bit repetitive. Other than that, I thought you did a lovely job on it!

[rorrt]

i will say the lack of dialogue and the lack of character direction makes it quite hard to follow

but maybe thats because there really is no twist in the film,maybe if the character of Donald stayed in the same room as the young Donald and his girlfriend

because i think that aspect of him seeing his younger self is great

and i think there should be a bigger end, him choking really doesnt warrant the man saying "i think you need this more than me", it somehow seems out of place

maybe some V/O