Rebecca: Hi, welcome to the News That No One Watches, I'm your anchorperson, Rebecca. The top story tonight is in local news. Carmen is here to tell us more about it.
Carmen: The landlady of a local apartment building has gone missing. Her husband and the apartment's maid, Pinchas, is the top suspect. The couple can be seen on the popular eHarmony commercials. That is all the information we have at this time. Back to you, Rebecca.
Rebecca: Thanks, Carmen. Now for some science news.
Lonnie: Scientists have reported that by 2107 they will have succeeded in creating flying houses and flying bicycles.
Rebecca: Wow, that's awesome.
Lonnie: Yes, I know. Back to you, Rebecca.
Rebecca: This just in: an alien sighting has been reported near the place where a local farmer supposedly found the fountain of youth earlier this week. More on that after the commercial break.
Eharmony Commercial:
Couple A: We're in love!
Couple B: We're in love!
Dr Love: Hi, I'm Dr Love and I started eHarmony to help you fall in love. I have had 8 wives, therefore I'm an "expert" at love. These stories are all true.
Couple A
Landlady: I wanted someone who could clean.
Pinchas: I'm an "expert" at washing dishes, doing laundry--
Landlady: --he's a fantastic gardener.
Pinchas: I wanted someone with a house.
Landlady: And I have a house!
Both: We found each other on eHarmony one day...and now we're married!
Pinchas: I'm a landlord!
Both: [[laugh]]
Couple B
Religious: Where I live the girls all wear conservative clothes.
Skank: I don't wear conservative clothes.
Religious: I registered for eHarmony and the next day, she messaged me!
Skank: I did, I did message him!
Religious: I fell in love as soon as I saw her arms! Her hands! Her ankles!
Religious: Most people don't understand our love--
Skank: --but eHarmony does!
Dr Love: register for eHarmony and fall in love today!
Couple A: Thanks eHarmony!
Couple B: Thanks eHarmony!
Rebecca: Welcome back, we have more information on the UFO sighting...it was not one. During the break we received an anonymous phone call from one of the people in the area who claims to have bathed in the water from the fountain of youth. She is currently on the phone with Carmen, let's listen to what she has to say:
Carmen: Hello, are you there?
Barbie: Yes, I'm here.
Carmen: What did the water do to you?
Barbie: I am much smaller, I can't move my arms or legs, I have no heart, I always look happy even when I'm sad, all of my clothes are pink, and people think I'm an alien!
Carmen: So do you think it is really a fountain of youth?
Barbie: No! It didn't make me younger, it made me into a plastic doll!
Carmen: How has this changed your life?
Barbie: Because I am a plastic doll and I can't do many things, I am going to start a tribe for others like me.
Carmen: Well that all sounds interesting. Thanks for calling in. Back to you, Rebecca.
Rebecca: Thanks Carmen. Now we have another short commercial break and then we will return with the weather.
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Rebecca: Welcome back, again. Let's go to Lonnie for news on the weather.
Lonnie: Hi, yes, today outside...there is weather, yes.
Rebecca: ...Yes...but what is the weather?
Lonnie: Oh, raining? Cold? Hot? What more do you want from me?
Rebecca: What will the weather be tonight?
Lonnie: Ah, yes, tonight...weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning. Last night there was a scare when the sun disappeared from the sky, but it returned this morning so everything is okay now. Now, the moon is currently missing, if anyone has information on where it might be he or she should call 1-800-555-2901. That's all for weather, Rebecca. Back to you.
Rebecca: Thanks for that interesting report, Carmen. That's all for The News That No One Watches for tonight. I'll see none of you tomorrow! Goodnight!
