Welcome to Honor Your Truth...The "Is It True?" Series
Episode Forty-Five
"The Truth Hurts"
I have a confession to make. I have done a drive-by. A drive-by is when you have a suspicion and you want to check it out for yourself. You don't feel you are getting the whole truth and nothing but the truth, if ya know what I'm sayin'. There are elaborate drive-bys involving wigs, glasses and rental cars. Comparatively speaking, mine were all fairly simple in nature, nothing that exciting. Drive byis the car there?....drive awayperiod. Although I must admit, the routine definitely had an air of insanity. I felt crrrraaaazy! When you are lied to enough, it is better known as crazy making behavior. Lying people, whether its conscious or not, want you to feel crazy and I did. They dont want you to ask too many questions and hope you will doubt yourself.
The truth is that I knew what I would find, but I wanted to be sure. I was looking for proof. What is proof, really? Proof is a thing that proves. What is it to prove something? I prove something when I take what I already believe to be true, and gather the evidence to support it. I was looking for confirmation of what I felt in my heart. Looking for proof only proves that which I already know, but do not trust that I can believe that I know. However, since then, I have learned to trust myself. If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, its most likely a duck. That is an easy one. If the duck then puts on a cat suit, and tries to tell me its a cat, Im not going to let the duck get away with it. If I have a sense about something being off, if it just doesnt seem right, if it feels insincere, I am rarely, if ever, mistaken. I usually have all the evidence I ever need right before me and in me. Therefore, why would I ever struggle with trusting myself in these situations? Fear of being wrong.fear of being rightfear.
The truth can hurt, but I know what to do with the truth. Even if it comes as a surprise or I dont like it, or both, at least I have something I can work with.process..and accept. I might even actually like it later. I do know one thing. I like it more than being lied to.betrayal is a pain like no other. It knocks the wind out you. I hold my breath, hoping that if I do, I can slow it down.hoping I can delay the next moment from happening..because its gonna hurt so bad. Will I ever be ok again, I ask? I close my eyes, hoping to wake up somewhere else, someone else. I must be wrong. I need to check it. It is also possible to lie to yourself. Betrayal of ones self is the worst betrayal of all. Its heartbreaking. This can be deliberate or go undetected for a long time. When I was little, I blocked things out that hurt too much. I got really good at it. This can disguise itself as a kind of protection, but its not. At best, its a form of procrastination. Procrastinating the pain. Pushing it down.only to resurface later.if it does.you can only hope that it does. If it doesnt, it can turn into resentment, and even more fear.it becomes unrecognizable and confusing.and harder to heal.
Until I know the truth, face the truth, trust my truth, I am not present. I cannot feel. I am not grounded. I am not in reality. I am floating around on the top of life, waiting to get inside it. I am somewhere in the past or the future. I am not here. I have not accepted life. I want the truth at all costs, at all times. No matter what it is, good or bad, I can accept it. I can let go and say my favorite prayer of all.the serenity prayer. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference I cannot change the truth, but I can change my reaction to it. Truth hurts, yes it does, sometimes but Id rather know it.feel it let it transform me.let it teach me.let it fill me with a knowing that really,..its all good. There is nothing to fear.I can trust what I know to be true.I Honor My Truth!
Debra Hadraba
Honor Your Truth
Inspiration+Action
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