Literally Genesis 34

Welcome to part thirty four in this series of videos in which I take the advice of all of those Christian fundamentalists and read my bible - literally

You see if you are going to believe in the literal "truth" of the bible and take it literally then literally is the only way that you can read it.

In this episode Dinah, one of the daughters of Jacob, goes on a girls night out and meets Shechem, the son of Hamor the Hivite and gets defiled.

Now of course, what defiled actually means is not specified and it doesn't say if she agreed to be defiled or not but one thing is for certain, Shechem wanted to marry her so that he could defile her for the rest of her life, so he asked his old man if he could have a word in Jacobs, shell like and get it sorted

Anyhow, it turns out that Dinah's old man lives just outside town in a tent and it turns out that he's a fuckin pikey and the thing wi' pikeys is that they never tells the truth and they ends up agreeing to the wedding on the condition that Hamor buys Dinah's old lady a new caravan, and not only that, but Hamor, his son and all the men in the city 'as to cuts the end off their John Thomas.

Being a bunch of mugs they goes and does it and a couple of them pikey lads that be sons o' that Jacob see themselves as being a Nemesis, namely a a righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent. Personified in this case by an two 'orrible cunts who appear to have somehow activated "god mode" and though It might have previously occurred to the reader that the pikeys had taken the defilement of their sister rather lightly. For every action, there is a reaction. And a pikey reaction ... is quite a fucking thing to be hold

Its almost as if they were under divine control



Music:
"The Good Book"
Written and Performed by Tim Minchin

http://www.youtube.com/user/timminchin

Category:

Comedy

Tags:

• bible
• genesis
• 1-50
• literal
• reading
• parody
• study
• Christian
• fundamentalist
• fundie
• Jacob
• Shechem
• Dinah
• Hamor
• rape
• foreskin
• circumcision
• snatch
• Guy
• Richie
• cattle
• cows
• camels
• slay
• halo
• combo
• gamer
• caravan
• pikey
• revenge

[VeridicusX]

I'm enjoying the series but ...

I think this is the second time in this series that you've used racial slurs against Roma. It's worth bearing in mind that these racist comments are probably illegal under British law.

And, for the love of Alethea, please pronounce the names properly.

[paulchartley]

@VeridicusX Both of the references have been very specific.

The first was a reference to travellers buying land and building things on it in the last episode and paralleled the Dale Farm evictions which featured prominently when that episode was written.

In this episode the parallel is with the Guy Richie movie Snatch where the main characters do a deal with a group of Irish travellers with the travellers maintaining the upper hand in the end.

cont...

[paulchartley]

cont...

I use a lot of stereotypical slurs of all kinds (sexist, homophobic, racial, etc) throughout the series to emphasize how the original text is twisted to fit various bigoted ideas

In this episode, I portray the locals as being bigoted against the travellers but its actually the other way around with the locals welcoming them but the travellers being deceitful and killing them because they objected to their sister marrying one of them

I mispronounce most of the names deliberately

:0)

[CraniumOnEmpty]

lol, you been gaming lately? Seems to be more gaming references then the last time I listened. Not saying you should stop with them. I think they are hilarious. Just that I didn't notice that amount before.

[paulchartley]

@CraniumOnEmpty No more than usual.

I thought the idea of two guys single handedly killing every man in a city with just their bare hands and a sword so that they could kill the leader and rescue their sister sounded just like a first person shoot-em-up with 2 player co-op

Likewise with the idea that they then looted absolutely everything afterwards.

more so, I liked the idea that the inhabitants could have defended their city had they not all taken some form of injury.

[XXXPopeBenedictXVI]

I don't think I would want someone kissing it better all night. In fact if anyone went near it I would hit them with a large stick.. Anyway sexual violence, murder, bodily mutilation and cattle, say what you like about God, he knows how to write a good book (ba-dum-tish?)

[paulchartley]

@XXXPopeBenedictXVI I find it hard to believe that any man would voluntarily take a sharp object to the most sensitive part of their body and mutilate himself in such a way and I too would take a large stick to anyone who tried with me.

Needing to be circumcised in order to get married to someone is the best reason ever to dump them at the altar.

[EmmittBrownBTTF1]

@Wordavee1 Perhaps, with the addition of show tunes, and an extra-terrestrial abduction..

[EmmittBrownBTTF1]

Quite the mission to watch the whole work at one go but worth it. :)

[Wordavee1]

Can this story get any sillier??

[Astrobrant2]

@xdassinx The will console themselves with the assurance that Paul and all of his fans will burn in hell for eternity.

[Astrobrant2]

"...on account of them having only five fingers on each hand..."

Great stuff!

Every time I turn around, something in the bible makes me say "WHAAAT??" Jacob had made a deal with these people. Then two of his own guys slaughtered them. WHAAAT?? It makes me wonder if the people who cobbled the bible together even bothered reading what preceded a passage they were inserting.

Or maybe it's just that they didn't have telephones or newspapers in those days.

[sowcratees]

This is the best medicine for the lovers of the bible. Just read it to them. So funny.

[BigFatHeretic]

These videos are hilarious! I love this literal interpretation of the BUY-BULL!!! Yeah! It's fun to be a Fundie for a day! But only for a day! Preferably, for the time it takes to watch one of these videos. Then, it's time to get back to reality again.

[GoblinXXX]

@comslave More like an 80s Italian Cannibalsloitation flick.

[GoblinXXX]

It never ceases to amaze me that Abraham and his descendants are somehow held up as paragons of virtue, when the bible clearly depicts them as criminal scumbags-- Thieves and conmen at BEST, or as here, murdering barbarians! At least Jacob is depicted as being MAD at his sons for essentially murdering people they had just CONVERTED TO JUDAISM, though he seemed more concerned about his reputation than the actual crime.

[xdassinx]

I thought "Great timing, I have something to watch as I change the fluid on my gaming rig."

Then all the gaming references while my gaming computer is half disassembled :(

Great episode though. The apologists have to be crapping themselves with this little tale getting any light on it.