Mark 16: Those Wacky Verses!

The Gospel of Mark now contains twelve verses not originally found in the Gospel. Mark 16, verses 9 to 20, were added on to the end. But what's the harm in that? Let's find out!

"When Jesus rose early on the first day of the week, he appeared first to Mary Magdalene, out of whom he had driven seven demons."
-From this we learn that Mary Magdalene was possessed! Only in Mark! Also, it shows that the man in white in verse 7, who told the women that Jesus had gone ahead of them to Galilee, is a liar, since Jesus is right there!

"She went and told those who had been with him and who were mourning and weeping. When they heard that Jesus was alive and that she had seen him, they did not believe it."
-From this we learn that no sane person could believe Jesus was resurrected without seeing it firsthand.

"Afterward Jesus appeared in a different form to two of them while they were walking in the country. These returned and reported it to the rest; but they did not believe them either."
-From this we learn that Jesus was a shape-shifter.

"Later Jesus appeared to the Eleven as they were eating; he rebuked them for their lack of faith and their stubborn refusal to believe those who had seen him after he had risen."
-From this we learn that Jesus was a jerk and pretty lazy. Otherwise, he would have appeared to them in the first place and not rely upon word of mouth.

"He said to them, "'Go into all the world and preach the good news to all creation."
-From this we learn that Christians must preach to everything, including animals, plants, fungi, bacteria, and rocks.

"Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned."
-From this we learn that both Mahatma Gandhi and the original Lassie are in Hell, for neither believed in the resurrection. As long as you believe that Jesus rose from the dead and you are baptized, you go to heaven. None of that "born again" crap.

"And these signs will accompany those who believe: In my name they will drive out demons; they will speak in new tongues; they will pick up snakes with their hands; and when they drink deadly poison, it will not hurt them at all; they will place their hands on sick people, and they will get well. '"
-From this we learn that unless you're immune to snake venom and poison, and unless you can exorcise demons, heal the sick, and speak gibberish, you do not believe and therefore you will be condemned. Hospitals are for infidels!

"After the Lord Jesus had spoken to them, he was taken up into heaven and he sat at the right hand of God."
-From this we learn that heaven is above the ground, and that God has hands. Also, Jesus never did make it back to Galilee.

"Then the disciples went out and preached everywhere, and the Lord worked with them and confirmed his word by the signs that accompanied it."
-From this we learn that the first disciples were supermen who were immune to venom and worked miracles. They preached everywhere, which we now know must have included North and South America, Australia, and Antarctica. The disciples were the world's greatest explorers. However, since no one else has been able to do all of these miracles since then, we can safely conclude that heaven contains about a dozen people.

Category:

Comedy

Tags:

• bible
• mark
• snakes
• poison
• exorcism
• forgery
• mary
• magdalene
• atheist
• tongues
• zealot
• contradiction
• miracles
• snake
• handling
• faith
• healing
• benny
• hinn
• scriptural
• corruption
• manuscript

[mushmouth4life]

It's seems pretty low to first assert the text in question was an interpolation and then ridicule it as if it were the original text of the author.

[SeenAndNotSeen]

I never implied that it was by the original author. I am ridiculing these verses specifically because they are so blatantly forged. You can see my explanation of what makes the forgery so obvious in my comments to the user "jacobwesson."

There are, however, people who insist that those verses are still valid, because without them, there is no resurrection account in Mark, the earliest gospel. This video can be enjoyed by non-believers and biblical purists alike.

[Triumphit1]

LASSIE NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[burn0gas]

kudos to Seen! This indeed is fucking hilarious. At least Aml admits the Bible has mistakes and is a very human book.

Cheers!

[JamesSnapp]

This video is mere mockery; it does not really address the scientific evidence about Mark 16:9-20.

[takewhole]

It is proven that the story of mary magdalene is a fake/forgery and does not exist in the earliest manuscripts. Such that it has been removed from modern bible translations. A great parable, but has nothing to do with Jesus, didn't even happen........

[NUTCASE71733]

@ebizmobile Oh he's confused...by your logic Gahndi, a man who could easlily be considered Jesus reborn, is in hell now. You suck.

[ebizmobile]

YOU ARE CONFUSED - DO YOU HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO DO.? YOUR "CLEVERNESS" WILL CATCH UP WITH YOU SOON.................

[averagebear1]

Why not just cut them out? They obviously don't belong in Mark. I don't get why fundies insist that these verses stay in the Bible. Keeping them just causes doctrinal problems and provides fodder for skeptics, as this video demonstrates.

[SubtleDemise]

The disciples were the world's greatest explorers LMAO

[MumblingMickey]

Every single time there is a new discovery that absolutely hammers the bible...it retreats to some failsafe... only for that to become another accident waiting to happen.

There must be lots...just about ready to be denied possibility right now... do we know which ones?

[MumblingMickey]

Are you now... 'interpretting' the bible... are you actually using reason to attempt to put 'reason' into this... in doing so... aren't you changing its meaning...

If in the future we find another meaning for some of these words... what will happen to your 'interpretation' then?

Also... can I ask? what exactly was it that the Devil or Satan or Baal Zebûb ...or whatever his name is... well I just don't find anything 'bad' or 'evil' that he done.

[williamshi888]

AHAHAHHA, funny video, loved it