"Hands Off My Clam" - Lisa Koch

Lisa Koch shares her thoughts on the War on Women. Contains the word "vagina" and other women's body parts... yup.

Parody lyrics by Koch (to "Stand By Your Man" and "If I Only Had A Brain").
©2012 Tongueinchic Productions
More Lisa at www.heylisa.com / www.facebook.com/lisakochseattle

Update: I got lots of requests for lyrics, so they're posted below (just slightly different from video). I'm moderating comments because I've gotten a few that were unprintable. I'll post your comments if you keep it reasonably civil, folks.

HANDS OFF MY CLAM
Parody lyrics:  Lisa Koch ©2012 Tongueinchc Productions
 
I'd like to do a little song right now lamenting the recent attacks on women.  Because after all, nobody knows more about women's health issues than middle-aged white men with comb-overs...
 
(to "Stand By Your Man")
SOMETIMES IT'S HARD TO BE A WOMAN
'SPECIALLY RIGHT NOW, IT'S JUST A CRIME
THERE'S A WAR ON WOMEN
IT'S LOOKIN' GRIM AND
SENDING US RIGHT BACK TO MEDIEVAL TIMES
 
THE GOP IS ON MISSION
'CAUSE MEN KNOW WHAT'S BEST FOR ALL US GALS (apparently...)
ROLL BACK THE 60'S, PULL OUT ALL THEIR TRICKSIES
I CAN'T BELIEVE
I STILL HAVE TO PROTEST THIS SHIT
 
HANDS OFF MY CLAM / MY UTERUS AND OVA
YES, WE NEED BIRTH CONTROL-A
'CAUSE YOU WON'T WRAP YOUR PICKLE




HANDS OFF MY CLAM / MY CERVIX AND VAJAYJAY
YOUR MORAL CRAP IS JUST A SHAM
HANDS OFF MY CLAM
 
Don't you have better things to do? Like the Economy, or jobs? Or passing any legislation whatsoever? But no, my vagina frightens you. Vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina!  I said it, that's the proper term. To be fair, everything scares you... gay marriage, evolution, Harry Potter... Rachel Maddow, WNBA, the list goes on.
 
Don't you wish you just could just climb into one of those guy's teeny tiny brains?  Then we could hear what they were really thinking...
 
(to "If I Only Had a Brain")
I'D ELIMINATE ABORTIONS
WITH MURDER OR EXTORTION
CAUSE FETUSES ARE PEEPS... YES, THEY ARE!
I'D DEFUND CONTRACEPTION
SAY THE HELL TO SEX PREVENTION
'CAUSE THERE'S JESUS IN MY HEART
 
I WOULD VOTE AGAINST GAY MARRIAGE
AND FAGS I WOULD DISPARAGE
BUT LESBIANS...I LIKE TO WATCH THEM ON PORN
IF YOU'RE QUEER, BEST BEWARE
'CAUSE MITT ROMNEY'S CUTTING HAIR
YES, THERE'S JESUS IN MY HEART
 
I'D SLICE AND DICE AND CUT
LIKE HEAD START, WHAT A BORE
CUT MEALS AND HOUSING FOR THE OLD AND POOR
AND THEN I'D GOLF, AND CUT SOME MORE
 
IF YOUR HUSBAND LIKES TO BEAT YA
JUST SMILE, 'CAUSE THAT'LL TEACH YA
TO ALWAYS TOE THE LINE
AND YOUR PAY WILL BE SMALLER
76 CENTS ON THE DOLLAR
'CAUSE THE BIBLE SAID IT'S FINE
 
Oh, this would all be so simple if I was in charge—
 
I'D PROPOSE NEW LEGISLATION
VIAGRA REGULATION
TO KEEP MEN SAFE FROM HARM (it's for your own good)
I'D REQUIRE A RECTAL
WITH A GIANT COLD PROJECTILE
AND ELECTRODES ON YOUR BACON
SO WE'D KNOW IF YOU WERE FAKIN'...
 
I'm sorry, was that my outside voice?  Anyway, then you'd have to attend mandatory counseling, watch a movie on potential side-effects, discuss the moral implications of the possibility of killing thousands of "sperm persons" when you unload, and go through a 2-week waiting period to get your prescription filled.  And then pay for it, 'cause it's not covered by insurance.  Sorry.
 
IF I ONLY WAS IN CHARGE
 
So this goes out to all the woman-hating, racist, homophobic batshit crazy fundamentalist right wing morons and your big ol' corporate Daddy Top.  Keep your head out of my oven.




HANDS OFF MY CLAM
MY TUBES AND MY POONANY
YOUR MORAL CRAP IS JUST A SHAM
HANDS OFF MY CLAM
Vagina!

• Category

  Comedy

[xtigerlilydreamsx]

Koch writing about Clams. wow. no relation to the Koch brothers, right?

[heylisak]

absolutely no relation to the Evil Koch Bros. Though that would be some sort of personal nightmare for them, ya think?

[cjlopez5]

"I can't believe I still have to protest this shit!" -- EXACTLY! Thank you!

[TheReddragon2437]

Shouldn't you be in the kitchen?

[Debra Morgan Pardee]

I can't say enough about how much I love this. Woody Guthrie would be proud as well as all us AHS alums. You go girl!

[Brian Fraser]

Lisa, you're still the best. I sent the link to Rachel. Cheers, Buzz

[Gantzer1]

i always thought this was a ploy to keep poor single mothers at religous groups, plenty of poor ignorant poorly raised children for the military, plenty `of dumbshits who dont understand debt who were going to buy houses they couldn't afford plenty more people to keep the infinte growth machine kicking along. Your fucking idiots if you think the states of this planet view you any different from battery hens. Im a man btw and dont blame this shit on men soley its psychopaths pure and simple.

[richo61]

Fantastic!

Say it with song.

8-)

[blind2d]

I love your brain, ma'am. I truly do.

[karinkdf]

HA! THAT about nails it! Faved a million times over. Thank YOU, Lisa!

[Brooke Robinson]

Lisa, what an inspiration you are! This issue is definitely a women's issue, but could also be a world issue. Population on the planet is far exceeding what it can provide for. Not only should birth control be more accessible but encouraged as well. I'm addicted to this song and I am so happy you posted it. Your voice can only be heard if you use it, and that you do!

Kudos to you on behave of all women.

[Catherine Akins]

can't believe...yup....here we are again! Thank You Lisa for a laugh and a cry.

[Aitamen]

laughing so hard I cried, thanks for this~