Reading Twitter Updates Part 1 of 848,948,262

Me completely bored on a Sunday morning waiting for Football to start so I made a video... enjoy

TRANSCRIPTS............. (because I mumble)


With all those MO-vember 'staches it's hard to find out who's the real sexual predator and who's just wearing the sexual predator uniform

If I were to grill an actual Vegan CookBook I assure you it would taste 10 times better than any recipe in that Vegan CookBook

Women who purchase paperback romance novels are unsatisfied sexually in the bedroom.

When someone tells me "That doesn't make sense" often times my rebuttal is "Your face doesn't make any sense". The Atom bomb of responses.

If you own a key to my house then don't ring the doorbell unless you are being chased by zombies......Even then I ain't opening up the door.

Everyone knows the real winner of a freestyle rap battle is the dude who throws the first punch

Nicki Minaj or Lil Kim ... One had plastic surgery to become relevant the other had plastic surgery to stay relevant

Fear anyone who has a real life KDR

Posting pictures of expensive cars on FACEBOOK decreases your chances of actually one day owning an expensive car.

I wonder if I think back hard enough I'll remember being an infant

Everybody with numbers in your email addresses BE MORE CREATIVE.

I think if I ever got heckled on stage I'd just hurling pocket change at the asshole or assholes booing me .. FEEL THE WRATH OF MY TIM HORTONS FUND BITCHES.!!!!!

The moral to take away from Super Mario Bros. is that Italians love eating mushrooms and hate turtles.

Another moral to take away from Super Mario Bros. is that a man will go great lengths for vagina.

Do you know how many cookies Cookie Monster wasted?

Those Just for Men hair dying commercials where the dudes daughters encourage their daddy to catch a nut disgust me.

I wanna go on TV and say "FUU................(wait 20 seconds).........CK" to see if they blank it out.

Name me a sport Americans actually invented

Everyone's first FACEBOOK profile pic looks stupid.

If you are weird enough to become a mall Santa then you are weird enough to grow a real beard and moustache.

I doubt I'm that skeptical.

When I'm at McDonalds and they ask " Do you want to supersize that?" I want to scream "HOW DARE YOU TRY TO INFLUENCE MY DECISIONS!!"

I hate when I hear my phone ringing downstairs because that means I won't find out who called for like at least a day.

Category:

Comedy

Tags:

• twitter
• funny
• comedy
• sxephil
• nflfunny
• stand
• up
• el
• chupa
• cabra
• negre
• videos
• vloggity
• tyt
• the
• young
• turks
• bored
• sunday
• football
• warren
• sapp
• michael
• irvin
• marshall
• faulk
• NFL
• vince
• dave
• chappelle
• nighiga
• nba
• words
• every
• word
• in
• existence
• relevance
• gold
• laugh
• don't
• facebook