Achmed, the dead terrorist (Jeff Dunham)

Achmed, the dead terrorist...
(Jeff Dunham, ventriloquist & stand-up comedian, "Spark of Insanity", 2007)
Good evening, Achmed!~Good evening... Infidel!~So you 're a terrorist?~Yes, I am a terrorist...~What kind of terrorist?~A terrifying... terrorist!~Are you scared?~Not really, no.~Aaargh! And now?~Not really, no.~HuHaaah! How 'bout now?~No.~God damn it! Oh.. I mean "Allah" damn it! Silence! I kill you!~So Akhmed...~No, no, it's Achmed~That's what I said!~No you said Akmed, it's Achmed! "gh", "gh", "gh"... Silence! I kill you!~How do you spell it?~What?~How do you spell your name?~Oh, let's see... A... C... Phlemgh... Silence! I kill you!~So Achmed, if you're a terrorist, I would suppose you have some sort of specialty?~Yes, I am a suicide bomber.~So you' re finished?~What?~You 've done your job.~No, I haven't!~But you 're dead!~No, I'm not! I feel fine!~But you 're all bone!~It's a flesh wound!~Silence! I kill you! What the hell happened to my feet? Son of a bitch! What the hell? What are you doing? Stop touching me! I kill you!~Allright, just hold on, we'll fix this!~Ok, wait! What are you doing? Holy crap I'm in the air! Wait, something is backwards... holy crap! I need some ligaments!~Just sit still!~Ok, I will not move my ass!~You idiot, you don't have an ass!~Is that Walter?~Yeah...~He scares the crap out of me! Please, do not put me back in the same suitcase!~Why?~He has gas!~Saddam's mustard gas was nothing compared to a Walter fart!~It's not funny! He will kill us!~Allright, listen Achmed, I have something to tell you...~What?~You really are dead!~Are you sure?~Yes.~I've just got my flu shot.~You really are dead!~Wait, if I'm dead, that means I get my 72 virgins?~Are you my virgins?! I hope not!~Why?~There's a bunch of ugly ass guys out there!~If this is paradise, I've been screwed!~Well did they say it will be only female virgins?~Holy crap! Wait, I could have Clay Aiken! I told a joke!~So, listen Achmed, where do you come from?~Your freakin' suitcase!~I told another one!~Look, if you've been in my suitcase all this time, how have we been getting through security at the airports?~Oh, that's easy... They open the case and I go "Hellooo! I am Lindsay Lohan!"~I told another joke! I can do this crap too! Ok, here's another one: Two Jews walkin' in a bar...~No, no!~What, you don't let Jews in your bar? You racist bastard!~What I mean is I don't want racist jokes in my act.~Oh, ok, how 'bout if I kill the Jews?~No!~I'm kidding, I would not kill the Jews, no, I would toss a penny betwenn them and watch them fight to the death! Yes, I did the same thing with two catholic priests but I tossed in a small boy! Yes, and the winner had to fight Michael Jackson!~Achmed!~What?~Stop doing this! You can't tell jokes like that!~Why not? I'm killing so to speak...~You can't tell jokes like that!~Why?~It offends people.~Oh, I'm dead what do I care? What do you want me to do "knock-knock" jokes?~Probably better...~Ok, knock-knock.~Who's there?~Me, I kill you!~So, look as a suicide bomber have you had training?~Of course, we had this suicide bomber training camp.~Ah, is that a nice facility?~It used to be...~What happened?~New guy! The idiot tried to practise!~What did you guys learn from that?~Location, location, location~So, you guys have any kind of motto?~Like what?~You know, like "we're looking for a few good men"~"We're looking for some idiots with no future"!~So, where do you get your recruits?~The suicide hotline! That was dark, was it not?~Yeah, so what exactly happened to you?~Eh?~What happened?~Oh, if you must know, I am a horrible suicide bomber...~What happened?~I had a premature detonation...~I set the timer for 30 minutes, but it went off in 4 seconds! You know what that's like, right?! Mr hurricane!~So, Achmed what exactly happened to you?~Well, I was getting gasoline and I answered my cell phone... "Can you hear me now?" Kghghgh! At first I thought it was because I went over my minutes!~That's too bad!~It's ok, I took that Verizon bastard with me!~So, what's it like to die? Do you see a white light?~If you done enough to watch the explosion, yes!~No, I mean some people say when they die they see a white light, what did you see?~I saw flying car parts!~What was the last thing that went through your mind?~My ass! Walter told me to tell that joke!~You did all these for a bunch of virgins?~Are you kidding me? I'd kill you for a Klondike bar!~So, I guess you're Muslim?~I don't think so!~You're not Muslim?~Nooo!~Why?~Look on my ass, it says "Made in China"! Walter says I'm just a stinking Halloween decoration!~So do you like being in D.C.?~I think some idiots must live here.~Why?~For example, the Washington Monument...~Yes?~It looks nothing like the guy! It looks more like a tribute to Bill Clinton!~What do you think of Bush?~Oh, I love Bu... Oh, you mean the president? I'm sorry!~And that's Achmed, the dead terrorist!

Category:

Comedy

Tags:

• Achmed the dead terrorist
• Jeff Dunham

[xXDjPokkiieeXx]

your dead.

what.? no im not. i feel fine..

but... your all bone..

its a flesh woond.

[mcgiggity69]

"ohh I love Bu-...oh you mean the President! I'm sorry!" XD

[CherryTube306]

Ok that was racist!!

Just because he was a terrorist they assume he's a Muslim!!!!

What the hell!

On tv they NEVER show the good Muslims they ALWAYS show the people who want freedom and will fight for

It! Then they change that too!!!

But it was still very funny.

[bananababygirl23]

I LOVE YOU ACHMED!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Wavedude21101]

Wish they did more of these with achmed.  I like the interview type stuff. and mostly the I KILL U xD

[Wavedude21101]

@815Sox Normally i would agree. But this is just shedding light on the situation. sometimes people need humor to brighten the situation. and if people didnt like it he wouldnt have been successful. Humor helps people feel better

[815Sox]

This is godawful and not funny. I am by far from "PC" but this asshole took advantage of a national tragedy and the fear it generated and turned it into a personal profit. Larry the Cable Guy and all those other "redneck" comedians are the same.

[iTrXzZ]

they still call me a terrorist :D

[toni116]

you idiot you dont have an ass !!

[swfu2roblox]

@dodgeguy13 oh yea i kill u instead lol

[TheGreenGummyBear121]

Wait! I could have Clay Aiken!