discontent, urgency, anxiety, and eating disorders

an impromptu random musing on what it is like to feel constant discontent in whatever i am doing, how i used to be able to feign happiness when i was doing better, and how i will need to try to reach for something i never had (contentment and lower anxiety). totally random post.

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[leavethisemptyplz]

ughh I deal with the same thing, the dis-content-ed-ness, soooo bad. I can't just enjoy a walk with my boyfriend or a random bicycle ride for no reason. I always felt like something wasn't worth doing unless there were immediate results.I've tried to work on it cause I think it's a matter of patience and attitude more than anything but I can't stop the feelings :/

[jondavid49]

How ya doin! Have you tried - Supreme Panic Magic (google it)? Ive heard some extraordinary things about it and my BF at last said ta ta the panic breakdowns with it.

[Katie D]

...and scars from those problems remain. Pre-ED, I was very overweight, couldn't speak, was isolated, and had no friends, so when I hear people say that they wish they could go back to a time before they had an ED, my immediate thought is, "Holy shit no!! Why would I want to do that?!?" I think certain struggles in my recovery stem from not having a good "point of reference" to refer back to pre-ED bc I WAS never happy. It is so hard to trust my body when all it did before the ED was betray me.

[Katie D]

...A lot of it came from having SEVERE speech problems from the time that I could speak and worrying that each moment would be a chance for others to ridicule me, but yeah. Some of my anxieties as a child related back to a fear of my parents/people I loved dying and going through elaborate rituals/compulsions from a VERY young age in an effort to "keep them alive." I have almost completely overcome the speech problems at age 20 (long story, have a video about it on my channel), but the anxiety..

[Katie D]

Wow...I can't even tell you how much I relate to this video. I have watched it twice because I wanted to find a proper way to articulate how I feel, but I have a feeling that this will be a hard to follow clusterfuck. I had SEVERE anxiety from the time I was about 3, and also felt a sense of discontentment for much of my "growing up" (at least through age 20). I couldn't sit and just be happy without worrying about what would come next, and what possible new anxieties the future would bring...

[WeepingWill0w]

I was never content before my eating disorder (and borderline personality disorder). I can truly say that I don't know what it would feel like without the extreme levels of anxiety and just never feeling 'at peace' within myself or my situation. I suffer from agoraphobia too - partly because I cannot deal with the shame of being asked what I do, when I can't answer that question. Trying to stay alive is my main job, but it's not really a 'socially acceptable' response.

[WeepingWill0w]

I can relate so well. The 'frantic panic' in my mind never stops. I'm always worried about what I'll do after I've finished the current task. Even finishing a book fills me with panic. I seem to be as nocturnal as you - I don't feel safe sleeping at night, so as the day ends for most people, and they talk about tiredness and looking forward to their bed, I start to dread all the hours I'm going to have to pass on my own. Nothing fills the void. I always need 'more', but I don't know what of. xxx

[alipalipoli]

i really relate to this - and you just put it into words for me!! i remember trying to explain to my mum that i feel like i'm constantly waiting for the next thing, always discontent with the thing i am currently doing.

[inspire249]

Hi Heather, Wow I feel like I relate to so much in this video! type A personality always sort of discontent with things and thinking about a million other things or the impending end of something even if I am enjoying myself and the new beginning of the next thing. I really understand that discontent where you are bored and want to do something but want to do nothing. Also the fear of getting pregnant was something I used to worry about a lot as a kid. Wow I relate to so much of this video.