my father - in 1963 or 1964

in 1963 or 1964, dad expressed disapproval of two people who were overseas - (1) why don't they come back here and settle down (2) why is he teaching music in Italy - how would he have anything to teach to Italians about music.

It has taken me 45 years to work out that my father, like all of us, was a finite state machine. his statement seems bizarre out of context - but i assume that the statement is explicable if you understand that he has warped his space in order to make life bearable. In order to bear the burden of not being able to afford to go overseas, he has convinced himself that it would not even be worthwhile.

I am not being critical of my father - i am being the opposite of critical - by analysing him as a state machine, there is nothing to criticise - anyone else would make (unconscious) adjustments such as he did, in the same circumstances.

I also remember that many people make negative comments as a joke (e.g. what are they doing travelling around Europe, why aren't they working?) - but dad rarely used humour at this time.

I also realised today for the 1st time, that my behaviour was a complex combination of interaction with mum and dad. Mum may have simply had a pessimistic outlook about some things (e.g. being a bit short of money) but somehow in my mind this magnified. I wonder if there was somewhat minor conflict between them, and this was magnified by 10 in my mind, to the point where my thoughts have had big effects.

I don't know what to think. I am wondering if my negative interpretation at the time made the family much gloomier than it need have been.

I have wondered if my brother and I were treated exactly the same by Dad, without allowing for our individual differences. If so he was modelling us as the same , and perhaps interacting with us in a way that seemed appropriate for the model he had - but was in fact quite a bad model for interacting with me. For example, I found dad somewhat frightening. I'm not sure if my brother did. But if he didn't I think this is because he has been able to suppress this, or otherwise adapt to it. Now the adaptation would have been good, if I could see signs that it was good - but I don't see this. Meme plus que moi,mon frere semble d'etre dans un prison mental.

Dad of course, was only frightening, if we did not stand up to him. If we had stood up to him, presumably we would have found that he was not frightening after all.

But presumably the definition of frightening includes someone that you don't stand up to.

I'm wondering if the hostility I perceived was a communication problem. Was it an echo of stress between mum and dad?

I wonder if the above writing is influenced by reading a letter Kafka wrote to his father (but never sent). I was shocked to read his letter - that he would write such things. But now I seem to be doing the same.

Category:

Comedy

Tags:

• state
• machines