Published on Apr 2, 2012
A song about an experience which, I think, we've all had a one time or another. Haven't we?
Played on my smallest uke.
Following overwhelming public demand (which is to say somebody asked me once), here are the lyrics in case my flawless diction isn't sufficiently flawless to be actually comprehensible.
My Sicilian defences lie shattered and wrecked
And my gambits have all been refused and rejected.
I'm zugzwanged and forked, and I think that my snorkel
Could be why my tactical game's been affected.
Endgame advancing, his pawns freely passing,
And now my Sirenian foe casts a glance in
My general direction, enjoys my dejection,
And starts on his sub-aqua victory dancing.
Yes, I'm losing at chess to a manatee,
And it's not doing much for my vanity.
Beneath the Atlantic I've been driven frantic,
It's not looking good for humanity.
I've beaten a bear at bezqiue once before,
And I've bested bonobos at boggle. What's more,
I've befuddled, at Battleships, bison and cattle,
A budgie, a badger, some bees and a boar.
Wordlwide I've won whist against weasels,
Defeated a dingo at draughts, and a dormouse repeatedly,
And even a chaffinch, and one day I challenged
At Chinese Chequers a cheetah, who cheated.
But now I'm losing at chess to a manatee
Who cracks witty ripostes with urbanity.
And I can't really see how to lose to a sea cow
Without losing much of my sanity.
I rode roughshod at Risk over several racoons
Goaded gibbons at Go, grilled gnus at Guess Who,
Pasted pigs at Perudo and crushed crocs at Cluedo,
Took on turtles at Tetris and triumphed there too.
I've flummoxed flamingoes at Flux, and I've massacred
Moths at Monopoly, snails at Scrabble
(Though the snails had a dictionary), penguins at Pictionary,
Jenga, jerboas. But none of this matters.
I've vanquished voles, marmalised marmots and moles,
Outclassed owls, trounced terrapins, surpassed shoals of soles,
Thrashed thrushes at Thud, all grist to my ego,
Spanked sparrows at spit, startled stoats at Stratego.
But now I'm losing at chess to a manatee,
Though the craftiest one on the planet, he
Has, within this shipwreck, late
But sure got to checkmate,
Defied every SCUBA
Technique and maneuver
I've tried. 'Neath the briney
He's utterly stymied me.
Never mind, well played that manatee.
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