Amazing Grace

Amazing Grace

(Please view the 20 -30 second video attached)
Twenty Five years ago today, I entered a drug rehabilitation program. I had been to several others that past year or two. I didnt have any actual hope or desire to stay sober; I went to rehab in an attempt to get away from myself. Instead, I left there thirty days later believing in my gut that one day at a time, I could stay away from a drink and a drug. Rum had been my drink of choice but I drank anything. Cocaine was my drug and I took it straight into the veins but actually I used everything, anything to get high.

No, I am no longer crying poor me and didnt understand that I was back then, all I knew was that I hurt. Everyone I believed was supposed to love me, had hurt me, used me and left me, except my mom. Her only crime was that she didnt rescue me. Suicidal would have described me best, I think; however my attempts were weak and obviously didnt work. Frankly, I just wanted the emotional pain to stop, wanted to shut off my brain, wanted to just be numb. Yet- deep inside - I longed for love, for friendships, for meaning and to know who I was made to be.

I was tough, inside and out. When I arrived in a twelve step program, grown men told me I frightened them. It was something I had practiced for years. I seethed anger- it hung over me like a thick cloud. No one came close until I met Annie. She would come to the same meetings as I did, all dressed up in her pretty clothes, looking all happy and confident and she would plunk herself down in the seat next to me day after day. She saw past all the anger and the hurt. Worst of all, she would touch me when she spoke to me. Placing her hand on my leg or brushing the hair out of my face. She told me things would get better. It wasnt anything I wanted to hear but I eventually began to believe her and one day at a time, they did. Annie was an angel, I believe.

I managed to stay sober and straight while I dealt with my past abuses, both the self inflicted ones and the others. I learned to forgive, other people and myself. I had the opportunity to return to school and got a degree. I met wonderful man and got married. I had one child from before, he came with two of his own and we had one together. (No, its not an episode of the Brady Bunch) Getting sober/straight was the toughest thing I have ever done. Praise God its not a struggle anymore but it was. I had buried tons of stuff tons.

There have been many victories and challenges in my life since back then but I have learned along the way to take the lessons and the wisdom and to leave the emotions. Do I do that perfectly? No. I have learned to love and to allow others to love me. Do I allow it always? No. I have dispersed that cloud of anger and have found peace. Do I still get angry? Yes. I am not perfect although I am striving to be. What I am most pleased about is the amount of forgiveness I have in my heart for those who hurt me so badly as a child. They remain in my life to this day and I can say quite honestly that I love them. I give God all the credit for that.

Its a day to be very grateful. Its a day to remember that someone needs me to be their Angel and thats why I am writing. Sorry its a bit long. Again, please watch the 20- 30 sec video attached.
Blessings-
Alane D Brown

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