The Christmas Grizzly

"Good King Wenceslas" is a catchy Christmas carol, but it needs new lyrics for the American audience -- so I've updated it. Here are the lyrics:

The Christmas Grizzly

Me and Myrtle cozied up in front of the TV,
To watch the Grinch get his "what's for," for spoiling Christmas Eve,
Myrtle heard a ruckus, out there in the dark,
So we opened up the door and gazed into the tra-ailer park.

Our plastic Santy sleigh was bright, snow was on the ground,
Out there at the garbage cans, something crashed around,
I squinted past Christmas lights and hollered, "Who's out there?"
That's when we heard a snarling roar split the icy ai-ir.

First I saw its glowing eyes, then I saw it charging,
As the snarling beast got close, it kept right on enlarging,
Standing in my stocking feet, I saw its speed was surging,
Myrtle screamed, "That thing's a bear!" as its form was emer-erging.

Things got real confusing then, the bear was quick and mighty,
I was in my boxer shorts and Myrtle's in her nighty,
I slammed shut the trailer door, which splattered into splinters,
And the grizzly charged in through the hole, bringing fur and win-inter.

Myrtle shoved me at the bear and dived behind the table,
I crashed into the curio and tripped on the TV cable,
I sprawled into the kitchen, the only refuge I could see,
The Grizzly charged in after me, dragging our shiny, aluminum Christmas tre-ee.

Corn flakes flew, and corn chips sprayed, and ding-dongs hit the floor,
The icebox crashed onto its side and opened up its door,
The Christmas turkey tumbled out with leftover supper fare,
The milk jug broke, and all that food burst from its Tupperwa-are.

The bear skidded and slammed into me, and we crashed into the wall,
So I picked up the coffee pot, preparing for the brawl,
But then the bear began to eat, slurping up the grits,
As Myrtle ran out past the bear with the truck keys in her fi-ist.

The bear forgot that I was there as it gorged on its feast,
Of broken eggs and mayonnaise, catsup and bacon grease,
I jumped up on the counter and dived across that bear,
Out through the hole the bear had made into the snow out the-ere.

Well, gravel's flying everywhere as Myrtle hit the gas,
The pickup's tires squealed through the snow, it's taillights fading fast.
With a snagged-on trail of Christmas lights; red, white, and green, and blue,
"Merry Christmas, STUPID!" Myrtle screamed: "I never should have married you!"

So Santy brought me a bear that year, and I never did reenter,
The trailer, 'cause that bear moved in and hibernated there that winter,
Myrtle's gone. She took the truck and left me with that bear,
That's why the sheriff arrested me Christmas Eve --
outside the trailer in my underwea-ear.

Yes ma'am, that is the whole truth. And Merry Christmas to you too, Your Honor.

Category:

Entertainment

Tags:

• Funny
• Christmas
• Song
• Carol
• The
• Grizzly
• Good
• King
• Wenceslas
• Banjo
• Roscoe
• Trailer
• Park
• Re