Jose Luis, you are basically like a son to me. (I consider you my son.) I think I feel this way, because I married the lady who gave birth to you.
Throughout your life, your mom will try to make you feel bad by telling you she had to go through 38 hours of labor for you. (Exaggeration.) Don't listen to her. She had an epidural. So she basically did nothing.
(Your mom spent $2000 on an epidural... that's basically cheating.)
I am very sorry that your birthday party didn't turn out as planned. (What a crappy day.) I wasn't fully expecting your grandma to chase me with a knife. (She's the motha' of a gangsta'.)
And I really had no way of knowing mom would try to glue stick your face. (Don't eat the glue.)
But at least you got cool presents, and mooned all your guests, and blew any chance at having your wish come true.
(Sorry your life is a wreck, and that your mom didn't wear makeup at your party the other day. Oh, Jose Luis, at least you have me, unless I'm too busy).