Papa's In The House (With 50,000 Dollars)

Cornpops and Sausage presents the previously unreleased footage from Papa John Schnatter's failed $50, 000 giveaway campaign. Tired of dealing with "stupid dumb people" across the U-S-of-A, and desperate after the Discovery Channel gave away the timeslot for his special to a show about redneck moms who are so fat that they have to be pushed around by their kids in a wheelbarrow, Papa John decided to make a bargain with the C&S Crew. In the most lopsided trade since the "Great Jungle-Gym Deal of '98," when Todd foolishly gave away his holographic Charizard to Kyle for his promo Pikachu card that went through the washing machine, the C&S Crew offered up 48 cents, a wrinkled Pikachu card, and the bargaining rights to fading NBA center Yao Ming to Papa John, who in turn forfeited his holographic Charizard with the footage from his giveaway, and sweetened the deal with his front row tickets to a concert with Keanu Reeves's band "Dogstar," and the secret recipe to his Tuscany Romano Pizza (both of which were promptly thrown into the trash).

Disclaimer: It should be noted that the following statements about Papa John's do not represent the views of the C&S Crew, but instead are the comments of jealous rivals in the chain-brand pizza industry:

"Pure Buttness." -- (Dominick Minnows, CEO of Domino's Pizza)

"Honestly, my company's pizza is greasier than John Stamos's hair, I don't think our cheese even comes from a cow, and our machine made Pizzas aren't ever touched by human hands until they are pulled out the microwave after being defrosted for 5 minutes, but at least my product is good enough to be put out in a buffet-style setting so that hungry construction workers can feed on it as if they were pigs at a trough. In spite of all that, we still outrank Papa John's as America's real favorite Pizza. That is just sad... for both Papa John's and America." (Peter Zahutt, founder of Pizza Hut)

"What does 'Better Ingredients' even refer to? Our buffet only costs $5 because we use government cheese and meat that is of the same grade-quality as those weird brown pellets that you feed to goats at petting zoos, but even our Taco Pizza tastes better than Tuscany Romano. Truthfully, I think that Lunchable's Mini Pizza are of a higher quality, and those are basically just ketchup and crackers." (Cibil Cicero, CEO of CiCi's Pizza)

"Usually I critique movies, but when realizing I could eat free Grande's if I'd expand into reviewing pizzas, I decided it would it be worth suffering through some of the more horrid excuses for Pizza. I've never been more wrong in my life. Before Tuscany Romano even touched my lips I could swear that I saw my life flash before my eyes, and I had visions of Satan himself riding backseat on Nic Cage's motorcycle with Rosie O'Donnell in the sidecar aiming a sawed-off shotgun directly at my head. The worst part about these American pizza chains is their claims to Italian authenticity. Papa John's "Flavors of Ancient Greece" slogan is only true if you consider how he bakes his barley-edible, putrid circles of indigestible hell in big grease-pools at the bottom of his outdated, 1970's era ovens that are pretty much ancient. If that fool John Schnatter ever crashes one of my family parties I swear that I'll take a wiffleball bat and shove it....(comments became indecipherable due to a mouth full of Grande's Buffalo Chicken Pizza)." -- Dick Quiggly (Montooga Harbor Biweekly)

Knowing it would be a matter of weeks before their video became a Youtube phenomenon with its 47th view, the C&S Crew hired legal counsel to avoid any trouble with Papa John's. Respected lawyers Dudley "Boomer" Doogawitz and Farkas "Big Daddy" Doogawitz of the legendary Kentucky law firm Doogawitz and Sons have drafted the following statement:

At no point was it the intent of the C&S Crew to slander the good name of Mr. Schnatter. The Crew hopes this is evident judging from how poor of a likeness the 6 foot 5" blonde teenager in the video is to the actual Mr. Schnatter, and wishes to clarify that the video was not specifically aimed at defaming Papa John's. Rather, Mr. Schnatter and the format of his commercials were simply incorporated into the Crew's satire of giveaway contests because of Mr. Schnatter's uncanny tendency to show up unannounced in people's lives while forcibly shoving his product down their throats. The Crew wishes to avoid legal entanglements with Mr. Schnatter, as they know that his previously stated tendencies have already caused his product to be banned in 13 states, and have forced him to struggle with restraining orders, death-threats, and just generally being outclassed by Grande's Pizza. While the Crew hasn't actually attempted to eat Tuscany Romano, they are sure that, contrary to popular belief, it doesn't actually "taste like it was deep-fried inside of a dumpster." - (2011 Zagat Survey).

Category:

Entertainment

[k2snowboardk2]

fuck pappa johns.

grandes> pj



[BowDownTwoBaccos]

For people who have never tried Papa John's Pizza and want to know if it's good, play the video and press 7 repeatedly to find out.

[SkaPigeon420]

Thank you for this. Papa John's employee here and it's about time someone pokes some fun at the Schnat man.