Daughter of a gay man speaks out

Dawn testifies: "For the first thirty years of my life, I was confined by secrets and not free enough to share them even with my closest women friends. Ashamed, fearing misunderstanding, rejection, or worse, I held back details of my family life.....

Shortly after my twin brother and I were born, one of my father's long-time male partners ca me to live with us as a boarder in cosmopolitan Toronto , Canada . ....My father's unlimited sexual explorations filled my first ten years with horrific nightmares and stuttering. Mother, chroni ca lly ill and subservient, didn't seem to bat an eye, .....we took many excursions into the newly developing gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transsexual subcultures.... sharing details of our home life and travels were shunned. By nine, my dad had taken me into the renovated Toronto gay village where he shopped, dined, and cruised; to the "gay" nude beach; and on cruising vacations throughout the states. ...At school, I misplaced sheets of paper, felt nervous and shaky. Sleeplessness and insecurity pervaded my nights, never knowing what would happen next around my father. .....I was transfixed by one unexpected emotional tangle and dis ca rded dream after another as I desperately longed for Daddy's love to affirm who I really am. It would take a few de ca des yet to realize that my own gender could not be intimately loved by Dad or his friends -- even if Dad had been monogamous. For my father and his friends, being gay was a smorgasbord of gender identities such as pseudo males, macho, effeminate bisexual males, and female impersonators; and accompanying diverse private and public sexual behaviors, including oral and anal sex, a group or bathhouse rendezvous, sadomasochism, pedophilia, and bestiality. It was difficult as a dependent child to feel safe...




In my book, Out From Under: The Impact of Homosexual Parenting, I make many allowances for Dad, knowing he used sleeping pills, recreational drugs, and alcohol. At times, Dad avoided high-rise balconies and rooftops where he might be tempted to jump off. ..... Dad threw himself into more and more risky sexual behaviors at an increased and even more frantic rate. As he tore his way through the gay bathhouses and racked up sexual partners beyond counting, he only seemed to become more belligerent and heedless of his impact on others. ....Protecting my father's business reputation and not telling anyone how difficult it was allowed me to remain at home, go to school, and have time with Dad. I compliantly obeyed him while denying my deepest unmet needs and emotions. Rather, I never wanted to make him angry or hurt his feelings, always longing for his acceptance........

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Nonprofits & Activism

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• ex-gay
• gay
• homosexual
• lesbian
• LBGT