ED Treatment Day 1 Journal

The journal entry I wrote after my first day of treatment at the eating disorder clinic. Note: I find it amusing that I had no clue I was actually anorexic. In fact, I'm not totally sure I knew what that even meant.

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Category:

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Tags:

• eating
• disorder
• anorexia
• bulimia
• ednos
• treatment
• recovery
• journal
• diary
• diet
• weight
• calories
• fat
• boost
• ensu

[PixieEleven]

wow - so much like my first day too! Unbelieveable. Please keep reading. I'm really finding I can relate a lot.

[WickedXena]

@PixieEleven I will post another entry in a couple days. So check back soon :) Thanks so much for watching! I've found I can relate to a lot of the videos you have on your channel too. You are very insightful in your videos and get at a lot of the deeper issues that I think are often overlooked in favor of focusing on "feeling fat." Thanks for the comment!

[raganmae]

You're so funny

Ok thought it was interesting you didn't even think you had an eating disorder. When did you finally come to accept you did have one?

[WickedXena]

@raganmae By the end of the first week I had accepted it. I still didn't really understand what it meant to be anorexic or which of my behaviors made me that, but I was willing to say out loud I have an eating disorder. I don't think this was the norm for most of the people there though.

[idis91]

hi i want to hear more.

how are you now ?:)

[WickedXena]

@idis91 Check back in a day or two for my third and final (for now) journal reading!! I'm physically better now (as in at a healthy weight) but I'm mentally struggling. I struggled with binge eating and then bulimia in the years following treatment for anorexia so now I struggle with periods of binging and then periods of restriction. I still have the mind set sometimes of "I wish I were still anorexic" but I have enough common sense to know I really don't mean it.

[WickedXena]

@mscoffee98 I shall... check back in a day or two for the third and final (for now) journal entry reading. Thanks for watching!

[WickedXena]

@jennifermariez The focus on quantity of food over quality is my biggest complaint about treatment. We were never taught about what actual healthy eating looks like. We were told that as long as you ate the calories you were supposed to it didn't matter how you got them. "A calorie, is a calorie, is a calorie" was a favorite saying of my therapist-- meaning all calories are equal. I came out of treatment addicted to eating large amounts of high fat and sugar foods. Thanks for the comment!

[WickedXena]

@HayleyCrumbs The focus on quantity of food over quality is my biggest complaint about treatment. We were never taught about what actual healthy eating looks like. We were told that as long as you ate the calories you were supposed to it didn't matter how you got them. "A calorie, is a calorie, is a calorie" was a favorite saying of my therapist-- meaning all calories are equal. I came out of treatment addicted to eating large amounts of high fat and sugar foods.

[HayleyCrumbs]

@jennifermariez That's something that struck me as odd. I don't understand why they gave you guys unhealthy food... all that does is cause guilt and reinforce bad eating habits - which is what they're supposed to be curing. 

[HayleyCrumbs]

(I love the hat! And your tree is precious:))

Listening to your journal entries really hit home with me. It's incredibly brave of you to share all of these personal moments from your life.

Something that bothers me is that they gave you unhealthy food. The peanut butter, maybe.. but pudding and fig newtons? That does nothing to reinforce healthy eating habits, it just reinforces eating higher calorie foods. I can't believe they did that... they should know that doesn't help.

[jennifermariez]

I can feel those exact feelings again as you read. I feel anger in my gut when you talk about being average...and being forced to eat stuff you vowed to never eat again. My gripes in treatment were largely about the type of food we had to eat...why couldn't it at least be healthy calories?! PLEASE KEEP POSTING...