Contract with Your Abuser - Part I

Everything you Need to Know about Narcissists, Psychopaths, and Abuse - click on this link: http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/faq1.html

Verbalize your emotions, needs, preferences, and choices without aggression but with assertiveness and determination. Some abusers -- the narcissistic ones -- are detached from reality. They avoid it actively and live in fantasies of everlasting and unconditional love. They refuse to accept the inevitable consequences of their own actions. It is up to you to correct these cognitive and emotional deficits. You may encounter opposition -- even violence -- but, in the long-run, facing reality pays.

Play it fair. Make a list -- if need be, in writing -- of do's and don'ts. Create a "tariff" of sanctions and rewards. Let him know what actions of his -- or inaction on his part -- will trigger a dissolution of the relationship. Be unambiguous and unequivocal about it. And mean what you say. Again, showing up for counseling must be a cardinal condition.

Yet, even these simple, non-threatening initial steps are likely to provoke your abusive partner. Abusers are narcissistic and possessed of alloplastic defenses. More simply put, they feel superior, entitled, above any law and agreement, and innocent. Others -- usually the victims -- are to blame for the abusive conduct ("see what you made me do?").

(From the book "Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited" by Sam Vaknin - Click on this link to purchase the print book, or 16 e-books, or 2 DVDs with 12 hours of video lectures on narcissists, psychopaths, and abuse in relationships: http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/thebook.html)

Category:

People & Blogs

Tags:

• abuse
• abuser
• narcissist
• psychopath
• contract
• agreement
• sanctions
• rewards
• positive reinforcement
• conditioning
• behavior
• misconduct
• discipline
• punishment
• couple
• marriage
• divorce
• family
• relationship
• behavior modification

[MrSpemat]

my abuser was a borderline so they go through the "I'm a HORRIBLE MOTHER" guilt trip and are pitied...

[TheLaughingOut]

Very interesting video. Thank you.

[mflores6805]

i was searching for answers. im glad, i got your videos thru youtube and will repeat them over and over. i love listening to these videos....It is what you say....It's true

[mflores6805]

I love your videos Samvaknin....I can relate to what you are saying. This is exactly what my abuser is doing to me, and portrays....Oh my god! You are what i needed to hear...Thankyou and i will keep listening and going over the video if i do not understand something. This is great!