2010 - Mind & Body - Detox and Deconstruction

So Im now a month into, a little over a month not smoking and on you can call it rehab in terms of eating with my emotions, eating to get high, eating to get energy and basically stimulating myself to get energy and to... well thats what Ive Realized after I started the diet and stopped smoking, because I have constant craving for smoking, eating, speaking, watching, basically anything that can give me the sense of being filled up or filling myself up, anything that is not just me Here keeping occupied, and its interesting because Ive noticed that there are like specific points, where I wanna smoke, it is particularly if I get stressed or if I get scared then I wanna smoke. Which could signify that that is where Ive not been able with stuff myself and have used cigarettes to control my reality and to give me a sense of comfort and safety within my world. So... something I find interesting is that when I first stopped smoking and I went on this eating rehab, detoxification programme, I thought that it was only gonna be a face or a while and then I would be able to go back to my habits, and Ive that thats not so that this is a complete change of, its basically the beginning of a complete change of who I am, which is going to have to Stand. Im not saying that I might not eat differently at some point, but at this point, what I realize is that the way Ive been attached to eating, the way Ive been eating, the way Ive been drinking, the way Ive been stimulating myself, is so completely engrained within me, where Ive diluted myself and been dishonest with myself and made excuses and justifications so I cant possibly go back to just eat what I want to, because its not what I want to. How I taste, what I feel like eating, feeling of hunger, of thirst its not real. Its not based on the body saying: I need nutrition now, I Require fuel to be able to function. So Ive basically fucked up my whole physical system in terms of making it into a mind-fuelling system, which we obviously have in other perspectives as well, but this is like very specific, like I said: eating with my emotions. And even now after a month, I find it extremely difficult and Im surprised how difficult it is. At the same time, Im determined. Im going to, Im going through it, Im walking through it, Im doing it but every day I Realize something about how intense and how attached this system is within me. I dont even know who I am, because how can I know who I am, when I experience a craving for something and it gives me a stomach ache, and its basically not optimal in any way for body, how can I say I know who I am, I mean I know who I am as an addict, I know who... I know what satisfies my addiction. I know what my addiction requires, to be able to sustain itself, because thats the tricky part it is to, for the addiction to sustain itself, its not to actually get rid of the craving. I realized earlier today as I was scratching a mosquito bite, that its basically the same principle the more you scratch, the more it itches.


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[holly13000]

did you want to be bald?

[annabrixthomsen]

@holly13000 - lol not at first. But I saw that my reactions of fear were bullshit, so I jumped into it. That is around 6 months ago and now I enjoy it very much. It is a cool way to face and challenge fears and to Realize that fear does not protect you, even though it feels that way.

[Mindsfull]

@annabrixthomsen Thats cool. I'm still nervous about cutting my head bald and I'm a man. I was wondering how old you are because you inspire me ?

[annabrixthomsen]

@Mindsfull - Age is irrelevant so suggest to consider why/how that is what you've prescribed meaning through watching this video. I am 29.

[klausibaba6]

Thanks anna, you supporting me great, since the last 3 days I try to stop smoking, I am full in dinhonesty, ok I smoke less then befor but I fuck my self, but I have you as my example :)

Thanks

[annabrixthomsen]

Make videos Klaus - write and speak it out. And remember that smoking isn't 'bad' - it is who we are and how we form relationship ties in Separation that requires correction. So look at your Starting-Point and have patience. A suggestion is to make the decision and then kind of ease into it, knowing that one of these days you are going to stop.

For me it was assisting the point of knowing that not stopping was a mind-fuck and smoking or not smoking - one i'd had to deal with sooner or later

[AllLifeOneAndEqual]

Thank you Anna!! This is so supportive!

Yes it's fascinating I have discovered the same thing with 'taste'!!

I have been stopping and starting with smoking cigarettes, lol, and this rollercoaster experience is showing me just how much I have given myself away to addictions/excuses

[jeniffer247]

i just shave head and stop smoking to.i feel like now i crave attention to stimulate my emotions and i eat so much now idk whats wrong with me i curently gained 7 punds idk what to do and how to control myself.

[TheBiggestWolf]

Eating to support the mind and yet forgetting about the body.. yes, we must fix that.

Oh and yes, wait until you go a few years without sugary drinks and what not. Oatmeal will taste like the best thing in the world. Suddenly becoming vegetarian will seem more feasible.

Ave

[psymonphord]

oh yeah and the smoking point as well - MASSIVE addictive point for me. i just started smoking again after a week into my 21 days. it was very difficult, and the decision was quite sudden. i went from smoking almost a pack a day to zip. and as much as i would like to just keep smoking, i see with self honesty that i have to end this enslavment sometime or another. so i will be cutting back progressively this time so it isnt such an abrupt transformation.

thanks again

keep it going anna!

[psymonphord]

thanks for this anna - i also have eating patterns that i use to escape myself and it has even reached the point where just eating alone isn't enough distraction - i usually watch tv/computer/music while i eat. also ive been vegan for a week or two and i notice how little my body actually tells me to eat, and eating un-processed foods just feels natural and right.

[violascarlatto]

thanks for sharing and you re right i have to find my starting point within myself. i have some clarification to do within myself a(ctually a lot of it!)on this point..