Pregnancy Loss Awareness

"I had the need to do this today, my heart needed it...
Today I dreamed I was pregnant again. My little girl was my first baby, she was born sleeping January 4, 2010 when I was 6 months pregnant.
A few days earlier I woke up and joked to myself that my baby was very tired
because I didn't feel her for a few days before that. But I could never imagine something was going
wrong...
Later on that day we had a regular visit.

While they were checking the heartbeat I got my boy's hand and hold them tightly. I remember I
turned my face to the doctor and saw her worried face. I suddenly started getting worried and tried
to not say anything. I saw she started to squish the jelly on my belly and was moving the wand
everywhere silently to hear that heartbeat.
When I saw something was really going wrong I asked her: "where is her heartbeat?".

She stoped looking for it, when she looked into my eyes I then saw her face. I then had a flashback and I remembered laughing on the morning, I remember us joking, and I remembered that what that in a moment was funny would forever change my now.

She gave up after a few minutes and stoped looking for it, when she looked into my eyes I then saw her face, it was extremely sad.
She then told us the baby had no heartbeat...

On that moment, my world completly falled down. I started screaming, crying and praying to God not
to take my Baby Girl, but they were no responses. All my dreams ended in a moment. My Baby Girl was
not here.
I then realized I would never see her smile, her voice, see her crying, see her going to school or
having children. Or the more simple thing, I will never get to hear a "mommy" from her voice.

I then had to have labor induced. I remember going to the delivery room wich was prepeared for a
normal delivery and had a bed for the baby. In that moment I broke into tears again. It was
impossible for me to imagine I was going to go through delivery but then leaving my child and not
going back home with all the things we had prepeared with her...

We got to hold our baby and take some pictures

I haven't tried again getting pregnant because I'm afraid of loosing another child...
But today I had a strange dream, it was like if I was pregnant with her again, because there was such a big bond, it was even stronger that then one I felt with her when I was pregnant, and I could feel her kicking and moving on my belly. I remember the days, weeks and even months after she left us I would squish my belly trying to feel her moement and I would be hours like that while crying... It was very emotinal having that feeling again...

It was actually amazing as I felt so close to her, but suddenly, in my dream she stopped moving just as it happened nearly 2 years ago. But this time I knew what was happening and I knew what that ment and I woke up crying. I still can't exaplain the pain, I imagine everyday how my life would be with a beautiful 1 year and 8 months baby girl and my heart hurts so bad imagining it..."

Category:

Nonprofits & Activism

Tags:

• Pregnancy
• Loss

[ColinEmerald]

I'm so,so sorry to hear that, I can't even imagine. You have my sympathies. <3

[FindLittleMadeleine]

@ColinEmerald thank you very much, it is very hard and there are no words to describe it... xxx

[ColinEmerald]

@FindLittleMadeleine You're welcome. Whatever happens in the future, I wish you the best.