I feel LOST.

"You don't understand," he says. "It has to be somebody's fault. Or what was the whole goddamn point of it?"
"The point of it," Berger says, "is that it happened."
"No! That's not it! That is too simple-"
"Kiddo, let me tell you a story," Berger says. "A very simple story. About this perfect kid who had a younger brother. A not-so-perfect kid. And all the time they were growing up, this not-so-perfect kid tried to model himself after his brother, the perfect kid. It worked, too. After all, they were a lot alike, and the not-so-perfect kid was a very good actor. Then, along came this accident, and the impossible happened. The not-so-perfect kid makes it. The other kid, the one he has patterened his whole life after, isn't so lucky. So, where is the sense in that, huh? Where is the justice?"
"There isn't any," he says dully.
"Wait a minute, let me finish. The justice, obviously, is for the not-so-perfect kid to become that other, perfect kid. For everybody. For his parents and his grandparents, his friends, and, most of all, himself. Only, that is one hell of a burden, see? So, finally, he decides he can't carry it. But how to set it down? No way. A problem without a solution. And so, because he can't figure out how to solve the problem, he decides to destroy it. Does any of this make sense to you?"
"I don't know," he says. "I don't know."
"It is a very far-out act of self-preservation, do you get that? And you were right. Nobody needs you to be him. It's okay to be you."
"I don't know who that is any more!" he cries.
"Yeah, you do," Berger says. " You do. That guy is trying so hard to get out, and he's never gonna be the one to hurt you, belive me. Let him talk. Let him tell you what you did that was so bad. Listen, you know what you did? You hung on, kiddo. That's it. That's your guilt. You can live with that, can't you?"
He opens his eyes to study the ceiling, too tired to comment, even to think of a comment.
"Go home and get some sleep. You look whipped. Go home, rest up, eat something, hear?"
"It's okay for me to go, you think?"
"What d'you mean?"
"You don't think I'll do anything crazy?"
"Like what?" He asks. "Give yourself a haircut or something? You're a big boy. You're not gonna punish yourself for something you didn't do."
"All right."
"And anyway, punishment doesn't do a damn thing for the guilt, does it? It doesn't make it go away. And it doesn't earn you any forgiveness."
"No," he says wearily.
"So what's the point of it, then?"
(Ordinary People)
Every day I feel the same again and again.
I could have kept him. And I had to let him go. I am disappointed and sad, but most of all I just feel GUILTY. Could I have done any more to prevent him leaving?
And there's this huge burden on my back to be who I want to be. I'm pressuring myself to improve and I'm going nowhere. And then I beat myself up because I can't get there. I get these hopes with every horse that comes along and let them be crushed when they leave.
When will it stop? When will I let myself just RIDE and not focus on GETTING SOMEWHERE? I NEVER WILL. Because I want more than anything to get somewhere worthwhile. I want to feel accomplished and I can't get that feeling from just sitting there and letting the ride work out on its own, I will PUSH for that perfect ride.
I'd like to give up trying so hard but I don't know how.
So on I go. Goodbye Whoville. I miss you.

Category:

Pets & Animals

Tags:

• set
• him
• free

[myequineaddictionn]

this is stunning, as usual. <3

[horsefreak129]

@myequineaddictionn Thank you so much

[123samkay]

could i use the audio if i gave you full credit???

[horsefreak129]

@123samkay Yes you may (:

[HunterJumperEq101]

the beginning quote is like the quote i LIVE by. can i please use this audio? full credit to you in my descrip. and everything!!!

[horsefreak129]

@HunterJumperEq101 Yes you can (: I made it so if you could credit me I'd really appreciate it, but go ahead!

[HunterJumperEq101]

@horsefreak129 thanks and i will!

[horsefreak129]

@Cindarellaax3 THANK YOU SO MUCH!!And I hope so!

[horsefreak129]

@AndBigCityDreams Thank you so much!!

[horsefreak129]

@Blitzen72697 THANK YOU. Another comment that brings tears to my eyes, THANK YOU. Letting go was really hard. But it shouldn't be.. I'm not sad he's gone because I truely loved him; I'm sad he's gone because it's like lost oppurtunity, you know? Knowing it could have been more but wasn't ): Aww, well thank you so much and I really appreciate it!

[horsefreak129]

@RainAllDay33 Thank you so much, I appreciate it!