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The Macabre Tragedy of Stuart Pickles at Four o'Clock Ante Meridian

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Uploaded on Aug 9, 2010

The Tragedy Transcribed:

Diane: I say! Do my eyes deceive me, or do I recognize the presence of my beloved husband, Stuart? You're whereabouts in the food preparation chamber is uncanny, especially in light of your typical diurnality. May I inquire as to what undertakings you currently endeavor?

Stuart: Fret not, my inseparable wife. For my most unusual diversion is out of best interest for my well-being even if it is in exchange for sleep deprivation. I am submitting my best efforts into whisking together, with mesmerizing and repetitive anti-clockwise strokes, a combination of domestic cattle milk, sugar, chocolate flavouring, and various coagulating starches for my bed-ridden niece and mistress Angelica, who will irrefutably maim or perhaps even castrate me should I not attend to her divine will.

Diane: I am aware that I am but an enfeebled woman and cannot forcibly relocate you into our bedchamber as to prevent any further malarkey involving the overindulgence of your elder and more affluent brother Lord Andrew's iniquitous offspring. However, I question your newfangled nocturnal, yet somewhat appetizing habits, as it is currently four of the clock ante meridian Pacific Standard Time. This, of course, is an absurd time frame in our society for the production of dessert items. Pray tell, why have you degraded yourself to this extent on the behalf of pudding?

Stuart: I portray monotonous melancholy in announcing that since the very moment my estimable brother and Lady Charlotte departed to visit hydrological spectacles of much velocity and turbulence in distant lands, my feeble and tattered soul has been vigorously seized in milady's clutches, who, by using her skeletal injury to justify her dubious deeds, swears to proceed to exploit me as long as I am in a plight of emotional deterioration. As such, Angelica has interdicted me from embodying the spirit of anything but one of a trifling and irreclaimable existence.

Angelica: I am delightfully amused by the abominable savagery and sexually suggestive material broadcasted in this adult-oriented motion picture, which could only be procurable when the moon arrives at the position denoting that it is four hours past the termination of the witching hour.

Stuart: My Grace, please pardon the interruption of your enjoyment of this age-inappropriate and most indubitably pornographic televised program. I am gratified, but only on the surface, to present to your nightly non-essential source of plaque-inducing carbohydrates in the form of a cocoa bean based desert with a creamy consistency. In addition, please disregard the dearth of hot tea and crumpets.

Angelica: Thoughtful uncle and slave, I reassure you that despite my dire necessity for nourishment by virtue of insalubrious sweets prior to four of the clock ante meridian, at this moment I am no longer famished and can persist in recuperating from my fractured tibia in this location in absence of any further assistance from you as my blood-related, yet inferior and half-witted indentured servant.

Stuart: This is bollocks and poppycock!

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