The Noble Chimq'ran Chapter 1 (verses 1-10)

This video outlines my idea for a parody of the muslim koran. I would wager this book would have a similar effect to the real one.


Oh ye who believe! You are to honor the monkey gods by throwing your shit at Twisted Sister and Twisted Sister tribute bands, for the monkey gods are all knowing and most merciful.

Chapter 1, verse 1

Oh believers! Throwing your shit at anything other than the aforementioned is a sin, and punishable by an eternity of non existence! Repentance for this requires the chewing of aluminum foil until the next sunset or sunrise, for the monkey gods are forgiving.

Chapter 1, verse 2.

Oh believers in the monkey gods! Change but one of these verses, and it's SUPERDEATH for you!

Chapter 1, verse 3

Followers of the simian elders! SUPERDEATH is to be a 3 day long execution process. During these three days, the one who is being punished will have his/her skin carved off with rusty knives in patches, flipped over, and sewn back on with nylon thread. The offender is to also to have his/her achilles tendants smashed with a sledge hammer, eyelids pierced with rusted nails, webbing of his/her fingers sliced with razor blades, and nipples bitten off by beavers. The deathblow shall be dealt by dousing in gasoline, and burned alive! Such is the proper punishment of those whom the monkey gods shall decide in this book.

Chapter 1, verse 4

Oh ye who believe! The process of abrogation applies here as well. If two verses contradict, the one that came later is the one to pay attention too. Yeah, that's how it works.

Chapter 1, verse 5.

Oh ye who kiss the toes of chimps! If thou spot a bug on the head of thy wife, thou shalt pick it off, and proceed to eat it, for the monkey gods are all knowing of that which is practical!

Chapter 1, verse 6

And accomplish the pilgrimage and the visit for the Monkey's, but if you are prevented, send all bananas that you can obtain, and do not shave your testicles until the bananas reach the jun-bug, for the monkeys are oft-returning to pleasure.

(alternate verse 7)

And accomplish the pilgrimage to the site of the great bannanacock, and worship it with thine lips and tounge. If thou art prevented, unleash the fury of the picked jun-bug, and shave thine testicles to purify the sites of all bannanacock, for the monkey gods art deserving of pleasure.

Chapter 1, verse 7

And when it is said to them, Follow what the monkey's have revealed, they say: Hell No! we follow what we found our pigs upon. What! and though their pigs had no sence at all for they are pigs and we are monkey's, nor did they follow the way of the jungle.

(possible verse 8)


Followers of the great bare-assed bonobos! Should ye foolishly misfollow a verse after you have heard it with clarity, thy punishment shall be to sit for one full day opon THE THRONE OF AGONY, for the poo-bahs of posable thumb have little patience for such douchebaggery!

Chapter 1, verse 9

Oh ye who accept the wisdom of the godly gorillas! THE THRONE OF AGONY be but a simple wooden flat back chair, one with a dildo glued in the center of the seat. Thy dildo be coated with sharp spikes as is a pineapple, for the simian staff of the sky FUCK NOT AROUND!

Chapter 1, verse 10

-LordClydeofOMAR

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• Muslim
• Qu'ran
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• Islam
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• Religion
• koran
• creedence
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[MrEnrique223]

That is freakin epic XD, the poo-pahs of posable thumbs will not suffer such douchebaggery, that made me lol

[squeegn4t3]

fucking awesome!! visionary dude!!!!