NU Confidential 2:4- Kill the Gunners and I Will Survive

Northwestern Law's Wigmore Follies 2007

Kill the Gunners
Kill them before they outscore you
I think in your core you
know it's what they deserve

Gunners are ruthless--
I know that they have their reasons--
but in exam season
They're gonna mess up the curve.

Don't you try to study more than them—they'll beat you 'cause they're losers
The library—it is their only friend.
Studying the law, to them, is like basketball to Hoosiers.
But there's one way you can beat them in the end...

Kill the Gunners
First you must identify them
It's easy to spy them
In any class.

When the professor
says, "Class is over, you can go,"
they race to the front row
to kiss his ass.

A gunner ain't part of humankind--
He's just one raised hand and a one-track mind—
There's not a holding that he doesn't know...

He talks in class like a donkey brays,
Can't say a thing without a Latin phrase.
[dramatic pause] Ergo...

Kill the Gunners
You can use any old steak knife
It's easy to take life
when you're scared about grades.

First you distract them--
Say, "Look, there's Justice Scalia!"--
Then when they turn to see, ya'

When they turn to see, ya' --
strike--between their shoulder blades.




I Will Survive

At first I was afraid—I was petrified
kept thinking I could never live without my own outlines,
but then I checked out Gilberts, Peter Lowe, and Emanuels
plus E and E,
and now I finally see...

It's a waste to transcribe the notes you get
when you can buy a book that spells out most of it.
I almost can't believe just how much better it has been—
Now I don't spend all my money on coffee and ritalin.

The other one Ls are slaving away
while I play solitaire and IM friends all day.
I don't need study group, and you won't see me in class
as for the Pritzker Legal Research Center, it can kiss my tass-
el. I...I will survive.
I'll just sit back and watch the stress eat everyone alive.
Then we'll all spit out the rules
and you can meet me at O'Tooles.
I will survive, I will survive...Yeah, Yeah...

Oh I...I will survive
Like Brett Favre in his hey-day on a touchdown drive
I barely have to think
and I still have time to drink
I will survive, I will survive...Yeah.

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Entertainment

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• wigmore
• follies