Doug's Valedictorian Speech

My valedictorian speech for the Clarence Fulton Graduating Class of 2009

Good afternoon parents, teachers, community members, friends and faculty, thank you for coming, and on behalf of the graduating class of 2009, welcome.

We are the leaders of tomorrow. This isnt the end but a new beginning. We all started out as strangers and left as friends. Take your past and use it to grow in the future. Floss daily. This school has made us who we are. An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Now that I have enough graduation clichés out of the way, I can start my speech.

Now, as important as graduation is, we really need to look at the bigger picture: Life. Life contains some of the most grueling experiences anyone in this room will ever have well, second to marriage. Since I havent lived in the real world myself, I had some trouble coming up with helpful advice for my fellow graduates. I thought I could simply give an anecdote on how this is the story all about how my life got flipped turned upside down, and Id like to take a minute just sit right there Ill tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel-air. But after hours of internet research, I found no relevant stories to our class. Then I thought, why not take the approach of our political leaders and tell the truth? Unfortunately, I wouldnt know what I was talking about, and end up lying anyways. Sound familiar? So I finally decided to use one of the most readily forgotten skills of mankind: Common Sense. Using this, Ive generously created a survival guide for life out of high school.

DOUG WHITELAWS IMPROVISED GUIDE TO LIFE IN THE REAL WORLD

Congratulations! After 13 years of vigorous schooling, you can now move on to the vigorous stage of real life! These three simple steps will guarantee success in the real world!

Step 1: GET MONEY! Money is a key element to survival. Lucky for us, money isnt too hard to come by. For a quick, easy way to begin your cash-flow, you should start by asking parents and other relatives for money. I suggest you start tonight, because they will be extremely happy about your graduation, making them more likely to dump the contents of their wallet into your pocket. If taking advantage of your relatives isnt appealing, you can simply get a job. If you really dont want a job, well, panhandling isnt illegal on the streets of Vernon yet, so have ATTR.

Step 2: Keep in touch with all of your high-school acquaintances. Its much easier then you may think. You dont ACTUALLY have to be friends with them; just keep in touch with them once in a while. This can have great benefits to your own life, especially if your friend arrives at a position of power. Refer to step one and youll understand what I mean.

Step 3: Aim for the best position of your career. Now, people will tell you that the most efficient way to get promoted is to suck up to your boss, but lets be honest. Nobody likes a suck up. Besides, there is a nobler and more respectable approach: Blackmail. This act can be carried out in many exciting ways, so Ill leave it up to your own imagination.

This completes my three step plan to success. Earlier this week, I sent this plan off to the Globe and Mail, and they replied with this letter.

Doug Whitelaws Improvised Guide to Life in the Real World, is a complete load of garbage, and should not be taken seriously by anyone. Money is necessary, but it isnt everything. Life is about Laughing with your friends, spending time with your family, and most importantly, having fun.

I was a little bit confused when I read this letter, because I outlined every one of those topics! How are you supposed to ask your family for money without spending time with them? How can you take advantage of your friends without first gaining their trust? And on the topic of fun, Blackmail has to be the most amusing pastime there is! At least they got one thing right when they said Money is necessary It absolutely is!

Category:

Comedy

Tags:

• Valedictorian
• Speech
• Fulton
• Funny
• Graduation
• Graduate

[cosg9531]

Why is it called common sense, when most of the dumb, ignorant bastards out there don't have it? A conundrum.

[0nametaken0]

loved the end, very clever