Late Night Musings - Closets and Shame

I have a lot of uncertainties and confusion around my identity right now and this is just me exploring a little bit of that.

At one point I mention another transguy on youtube whose videos have really helped me think about some of what's going on with me from another perspective. His name on here is freshlycharles. Look him up, all his videos are great.

Category:

People & Blogs

Tags:

• trans
• transgender
• ftm
• f2m
• transguy
• transman
• shame
• guilt
• closet
• julzb525

[chanapanya]

Thanks for making such an honest video, sharing where you are at. You know when we are thinking these things ourselves we think is something wrong with me, but as a listener, listening to you, nothing is wrong with you, it's ok to be trans whatever way you want to be, you dont have to live up to anything and fit, you know none of us really fit, we are all unique, its just society that wants us to fit in boxes, but people really don't. I think your great, enjoy your process.

cheers, Luca

[JulzB525]

Thank you for your support. It's really nice to hear from so many people. I hope you're doing well.

[L1P30]

I know what you mean about the pronouns. I don't know why pronouns are so important. Intellectually they don't matter to me because I identify as genderqueer and not as male or female, but when I hear pronouns that don't feel right to me on a certain day, I get very uncomfortable.

[JulzB525]

Yeah, sometimes it can be even more confusing when you're genderqueer. I was genderqueer for a long time before my comfort zone shifted and I started identifying as trans. You'd think things would be a little more flexible and easy when you're genderqueer, but the pronouns were just as important to me then and a lot harder to predict what you prefer from day to day (which makes it a lot more confusing for everyone else.)

[theprodigalparadox]

I know what you mean. I've been telling myself that I'm just a cross dresser, I'm not a transsexual. But I know that's not the case, and I will be a woman someday. But that hasn't made anything easier and I feel totally weird with the idea of considering myself female on the inside. I think a lot of this comes from a lack of in-person connection with people in the trans community.

[JulzB525]

Yeah, I hear you on that one. The youtube trans community has really helped me in so many ways, but it can only go so far. I think most of us need larger in-person communities of trans people and trans allies.

[MsFiguren]

you know what's fucked up? i have a huge amount of supportive and wonderful people in my life and i'm still ashamed. everyone important to me knows and accepts who i am.

i'm stealth and i'm part of a community that would reject me if they were to know. i have shame over my body, and most of the time my only feeling with respect to my being trans is that it makes me less of who i am. i am ashamed, and i would rather crawl into a hole and not deal with it. i've been known to do that.

[rivenrock]

So much anxiety about not being able to define your genderself exactly. It's so okay to just not know, not have it worked out, not even necessarily know HOW to work it out yet. I think everyone does this - we just don't all do it in relation to gender. But we are complex creatures and there's nothing wrong with that. Your experience doesn't have to mirror anyone else's.

[thebeardedtraveler]

Also, in regards to the last minute- it's WAY better to not fit stereotypes!!! DON'T let worries about the "proper" male-thing-to-do stop you from doing anything.

[thebeardedtraveler]

Perhaps some of your uncertainty comes from social programming (family, society, media) for YEARS to be a straight female, then "being" (to some degree) a gay female, then GQ, then trans. NOT to be condescending, but you're quite young, not far removed from those times. (I'm 39, and still figuring out LOTS about myself... and really, does that process END? No.)

[xxthread]

This is *exactly* what I am going through. I've never been kicked out, but my parents had asked me when I first came out as queer at 17 if I would respect their wishes to not engage in "queer activities" in the house. I don't know what to do with that any longer because I'm 20 and can't financially afford to move out... yet I can't emotionally afford not to live my life. It's a lot of the same of what you said here. You really truly said it all. If you want to talk further, message me.