GOAT! Food! Goat food!

I've seen this new snack food in the convenience store on campus that's got a very eye-catching display and fancy package, but it also lacks a visible price tag and touts premium features like, you know, vitamins and protein and energy and health, or some approximation thereof, so I've avoided it in favor of the $0.25 Hostess cakes and saturated fats. Today, however, there are happy young marketers stationed all around the Student Center finally handing out free packages of healthy energy treats to convince us all that their new product is worth whatever unspecified mystery price. The snack is called GOAT, and it turns out they're the brainchild of former heavyweight champ Muhammad "His momma called him Cassius, I call him Cassius" Ali:

that would be Greatest Of All Time brand, not "goat" the animal - that are reduced in fat and calories, aimed at combating youth obesity and encouraging healthy lifestyles. No snack will contain more than 150 calories and all will be fortified with vitamins and fiber. The products will carry sporty, fighter names like "Rumble," "Shuffle" and "Jabs" and come in flavors that include barbecued chicken, Buffalo wings, sweet corn and cole slaw, as well a sweet, fruit-based flavors. Portion sizes will be small, but they have been designed this way to fit into the current trend of "grazing" throughout the day.
The other nice thing about the small portions is that you don't have to eat as much of it, because oh my God these really are meant to be fed to goat-the-animal goats. I'm eating the "thrill-a-dill-a" flavor right now out of a small but sturdy silver bag that's much more reminiscent of astronaut food packaging than traditional chips. The "snack food" comes in various shapes and colors -- golden crescents, green and yes, brown, balls -- that correspond to different "flavors" about as much as the marshmallows in Lucky Charms do. Except you wouldn't rather feed Lucky Charms to your dog, so perhaps "Kibbles 'n' Bits" is the better analogy. The dominant feature of these balls in your mouth is the CRUNCH, which distracts you from the fact that it tastes like crispy styrofoam peanuts ever-so-lightly dusted with those fancy popcorn toppings you find in theaters these days. "Dill" indeed. Perhaps I should bust open the "big bad bbq" package and give them a try....

Okay, the sight test is already disappointing. The balls have gone from green and brown to rusty and browner, and the spicy-looking crescents are joined by some kind of cluster that reminds me of seagull poop -- you know, how all the bits of shell and fishbone stick together in it? What, you've never inspected seagull poop? The cluster appears to be crisped rice and some other plant life and...and oh my God is it the worst thing I've put in my mouth since that one time at band camp. Holy jeez, I wouldn't inflict this upon my dog. Though come to think of it, we've seen what dogs will eat. Verdict: do not put this product in your mouth. It should probably be saved for some kind of service in Iraq. And not against our troops, mind you.

Category:

Comedy

Tags:

• goat
• food
• disgusting
• snack

[grindking10000]

are you a teacher?

[shelbinatorTV]

nope. grad student.

[Aurorah]

But are they MADE of goats?

[shelbinatorTV]

made of goats would be an upgrade, believe me. oh, but a veggie like you could eat all you want!

[Metasas]

I have been interesting in finding this stuff just for novelty's sake, but the website is no longer available, so I'm assuming the brand was cancelled?

[ty99999returns]

lmao this is random

[saramshe141515]

what is wrong with you...you like seagull poop!? wtf.

[zalazo]

hi Buddy,

cool vid,

lol that FLING-CHAT dot COM actually works man! met few chicks allready!

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