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"Clouded Judgment" (Spoken Word at MNMOM)

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Published on Mar 31, 2013

My first Spoken Word performance at Mike's No Mike Open Mic Night at Peppers: The Artisans' Collective on March 30, 2013.

Holy crap, I was nervous, and I messed up my words a bit, but I had a lot of people tell me I did a great job despite the slip ups. I plan to do this more often, so the plan is to get better and better with each try.

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Clouded Judgment

I've got a bone to pick with atheism
They don't get to be the poster children
At being angry at religion.
Because I've been bearing that cross for 27 years.
Listen, I am a Christian
And I'm sick and tired of making an excuse
For the fucked-up shit my people produce
Like holy hurricanes and reverent rape
Like loving thy neighbor
But only if he's not gay.
Like Sunday communion at Chik-Fil-A
When there's kids in this world
Who haven't eaten today.
Like throwing a penny at a homeless guy's face
But 10 percent goes in the offering plate
How can I convince anyone that Jesus saves
When I hate how his disciples behave?
Why aren't my people more enraged?
Because I can't be the only one who ever prayed
With teeth clenched and middle fingers raised?
Screaming to the heavens, but the ceiling gets in the way.
.
I'm a Sunday Morning Atheist.
A Doubting Thomas with a broken fist.
An Apostle with a Judas Kiss
With a pocket full of silver and a wish
To take it all back and fuck all this.
I'm a Lukewarm Masochist
Waiting for God to spit
Me out of His sacred lips
And I welcome this
Because at least it's a difference
From all the silence I've been hearing.

Father, forgive me, for I have sinned.
I'm more wounded and jaded than I've ever been.
(Hallelujah) to all my Christians friends
Whose trust in You never bends
But I just can't comprehend
Why my so-called God of Love pretends
There's nothing he can do about sin.
Oh, I believe that God exists, but do I exist to him?
But "Blessed are those who have not seen and yet believed"
But I don't want to be blessed, I just want to be seen.
So like a child, I scream, "DAMNIT, GOD,
PAY ATTENTION TO ME!"

You know, I went to a Christian school
And there's a moment that haunts me to this day.
There was this girl who got pregnant
And she lost the baby.
So the principal gathered us together
In the sanctuary, and made her apologize.
With tears pouring out of her eyes
This girl had to say she was sorry.
And I. Did. Nothing.
I did nothing, and I remember, none of us did anything.
So when I look back, a decade later
I cringe about my younger self's behavior.
"Why are you just sitting there, you piece of shit?"
Stand up, speak out, make a statement!"
We were taught the Lord is Our Shepherd
But when did the sheep start leading the flock?
We were taught not to cast the first stone
Then why are they give us so many damn rocks.
We were taught that "God works in mysterious ways."
And HE tells me it's all part of God's plan
And SHE tells me it's all because of free will.
And YOU ask me why.
"Why does God let it slide?"
"Why does God let his people get away with lies?"
"Why does God not hear the altar boy's cries?"
"Why, Christian,why? What's your excuse for all this abuse?"
Like I'm not standing here just as pissed off as you.
And I can't answer why.
And it eats me alive inside to know
The best I can do is offer up these words that I write
That help me look at myself in the mirror despite
Not knowing whether I'm wrong or I'm right.
And maybe it's some kind of elaborate lie I tell myself
But at least these words I say will help me be able to fall asleep tonight.
But at least I'll be able to sleep with myself at night.
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Follow me on Twitter: http://twitter.com/thejealousone

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