The Three Keys to Heaven

Disclaimer: To the best of my knowledge, I am not God; nor have I any knowledge of dying or being reborn. I have no first-hand knowledge of an afterlife - or evidence that an afterlife exists.

There is no evidence that Heaven or Hell actually exist. Therefore access to Heaven can not guaranteed and no such guarantee is in any way implied.

There is way to know for certain which, if any, of the over 33,000 Christian denominations is true. Some denominations may require additional actions be performed before granting access to Heaven. Such actions may include, but are not limited to: Baptism by sprinkling; Baptism by immersion; Baptism in the name of Jesus; Baptism in the Name of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost; Cannibalism by Proxy; Confirmation; Ordination; Holy Matrimony; Vows of Silence; Vows of Celibacy; Vows of Poverty; Vows of Obedience; Fasting; Speaking in Tongues; Prophesying; Dancing in the Spirit; Taking up Serpents; Praying to Saints; Obeying Prophets; Obeying the Pope; Abstaining from Alcohol; Abstaining from Medical Treatment; Abstaining from Birth Control; Confessing your Sins; Self Flagellation; Paying Tithes; Paying Offerings; and Voting Republican.

This video assumed Christianity is the correct religion. There is no proof that Christianity is true, or that Jesus Christ actually existed. If any of the other 10,000 currently practiced religions are correct, or if some long-dead religion is correct, or if some as-of-yet-undiscovered religion is correct, then believing in Jesus may offend the real God (or Gods), and may result in torture, pain, famine, pestilence, death, eternal damnation, or may cause you to be reincarnated as a dung beetle. I am not responsible for any "Acts of God" which may affect you or your family as a direct result of watching this video or following the advice given.

It is highly probable that no God exists, in which case following the advice on this video will only result in wasted time, wasted money, and will make you look ridiculous. I can not be held liable for any damages, real or monetary, which result from following the advice on this video.

Category:

Entertainment

Tags:

• Jesus
• Christianity
• Atheist
• Mormon
• Heaven
• Hell
• Apologetics
• Freethought
• Rational
• skeptic
• parody
• humor
• azsuperman

[Steveman27]

the point you made on the third key was histerically funny.

[360john360]

How can a All Mighty God soo loving Dome you to hell to burn for the rest of your days?

[04326652]

Balls

[TheSandbar136]

@Reddogg387 All sinners? There's a difference between adultery, hungry child stealing food, than it is kidnapping, torturing, raping, murdering and eating people. Why is it these sickos say they believe in God after they do unspeakable things? I'm sick of that being a free pass in some people's minds. Why should a person TRY hard to be respectful, kind, good and can't understand a bible with it's contradictions be damned to hell? If that's Heaven I don't want it, or a God that's their friends.

[TheSandbar136]

@morgan4xl Well, I knew what you meant, I agree.

[TheSandbar136]

If there's a God, how could he be so quick to forgive rapists, murder, child molesters for just believing in him and repenting? Didn't they believe in him before they did it? Or is believing in God afterward an excuse to get away with it? What about the poor victims that suffered a living hell from this abuse? God can have his children abuse his other children that he's supposed to love and it's alright? Ask the victims if it's ALRIGHT?! That alone can ruin ones faith and belief in a God.

[TheSandbar136]

@morgan4xl lol! That's LOVE? Everything about, God, Jesus, seems to be so contradictory. The world we live in, with wars, poverty, crime, murder, rape, child molestation, homelessness, illnesses, people being abused every which way you can think of, animals being abused - this is HELL on earth.