Walking on the Borderline

This is something that I wrote around when I was 14 I believe. I wasn't sure that I wanted to share this, but... I guess since I've uploaded it that I've decided to just go for it.

The music used is Moonlight Sonata by Beethoven, which I most certain do not own. I am not that epic. XD

Category:

People & Blogs

Tags:

• borderline
• personality
• disorder
• bpd
• walking
• on
• the
• poem
• poetry

[fawnknudsen]

Intimate relationships, yes. Friendships, no. The "leave/please don't go" only applies to the intimate relationships. The "friends" that must go at a time determined by me must leave, or I will freak out.

[zequeenofbleu]

@fawnknudsen Well - that's a slight difference between you and I. When I was 14, my friends were absolutely everything to me. They were my "intimate relationships" so to speak. So I would go through the same cycle with them, that now - I go through with the more intimate people in my life.

[fawnknudsen]

@zequeenofbleu Yes, this is also true. And there are varying degrees of separation, for anyone, not just for someone with BPD. My biggest issue now is seeing when I do this, when I collapse into the "black" thinking so effortlessly. Although "effortlessly" doesn't really describe it. I don't know how to behave any differently. I am trying to move forward from this, but it's hard when you know your mind is on Neptune and broken. Everyone without BPD must be really happy.

[zequeenofbleu]

@fawnknudsen I do understand what you are saying though. And it is ridiculously hard. But people without BPD aren't all happy. And on the flip-side, people with BPD can be happy. Sure, it might be a little harder to work at and take consistent therapy to be considered "normal" again, or whatever they are calling it - but I firmly believe there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that we will all get there one day. :)

[PurpleAnkh]

This piece is powerful and familiar to me. I have had three people very close to me who suffer from BPD and it feels just as hard on the partner of that person. Thank you for giving me a little more insight. I know that these people I care so much about are suffering and dealing with the "out of control"-ness but I never knew what it felt like from the inside. I only knew what I did to try to "help" them (not upset them, calm them down, keep them happy). Because you see, I am Codependent.

[1975Dolly]

I'm glad you shared this with us. Thank you. I lost someone I loved very much because he hurt me and I was so nasty. I can never take those words back and he will never be back. Radical acceptance at it's best hey.

[MsAlexithymia]

this was fantastic! i am so glad you shared it!

[thedanizblog]

Wow that is such an accurate description of what it's like! Good job!

[fawnknudsen]

@zequeenofbleu I have to hope so. I start therapy in a couple of weeks, and will be prescribed something to stop the constant anxiety. I am a happy person, around my friends. Although some of their words are daggers to me. But it is when I am by myself the emptiness comes. In this state I am purely suicidal. Thinking of when and where and how pointless every day is and why I even bother in this endeavor. This, for a decade now. Yes, I have to hope there is a light at the end of the tunnel.