THE SPEECH: The Thomas Crossland Experience!!

"It has always been my dream to have more hits on YouTube than Rick Astley, singer of that classic 80s tune Never Gonna Give You Up. And now, here I am given this great opportunity to beat him and to deliver the greatest valedictorian speech OF ALL TIME (which will be available on YouTube later this evening). A speech that hushes wailing infants, makes the ladies swoon, and inspires many generations to come.
This dream began when I was at the New Bedford Whaling Museum at the tender age of nine, gazing up longingly at a giant whale carcass hanging from the ceiling, and I thought to myself: Wouldnt it be swell if I became high school valedictorian? Four years later, I learned that valedictorian is not another word for a fisherman, but then I thought: Dude, this is even better! Since then, I have been coming up with ideas for the greatest valedictorian speech of all time which will simply be known as The Speech from this day hereafter. But now that it has actually happened, all my precious ideas seem to be sub-par.
Let me relate this to you via a thought-provoking metaphorical statement. You have just entered yourself in a beauty pageant. You consider yourself fairly pretty, decent to look at in the mirror. Your mother always talked about how beautiful you were, and why would she lie? Sure, your figure could be better and maybe a little makeup wouldnt hurt, but gosh darn it, theres a fire that burns inside you! And then, you see the other contestants, all of whom are way out of your league like that girl over there with her flowing blonde hair and that flirty contemporary sheath dress. Girlfriend, you dont stand a chance. As soon as you think of a clever idea, you realize that its already been done. And on top of that, there are countless others whose ideas are way better than yours in the first place. As the great philosopher and part-time actor Christian Slater once said to me—well not really to me, I saw it in a movie—All the great themes have been used up and turned into theme parks.
There are many things I imagined about this speech to make it perfect—fireworks in the shape of my face and an appearance by illusionist David Blaine, God among men. However, due to the current financial crisis, cuts had to be made in the valedictorian speech fund. I am forced to woo you with my words alone, so here we go.
In terms of the requisite Shakespeare quote, I thought this one by Demetrius from A Midsummer Nights Dream would be appropriate: I am not guilty of Lysanders blood! I just wanted to clear that up because there was that rumor a couple of years ago. I would also like to make a special shout out to my childhood heroes: John Elway and Billy the Blue Power Ranger. I wouldnt have gotten this far without you. There are some other things that I wanted to include, but they didnt really fit in, for instance: space crocodiles, communist spies, William Howard Taft, that time in Poughkeepsie, learning how to spell Poughkeepsie, Ziploc bags, fried plantains, the electrifying romantic comedy Twilight, and an enchanted paper shredder that turns into Dwight Shrute from The Office when you kiss it.
Obviously, I would like to talk about my high school experience which showed an uncanny similarity to the Disney Channel Original Movie Event High School Musical, so I wasnt really surprised when we did it as our musical a few years ago. Not a day went by when we didnt randomly burst into song during chemistry lab. We all ate and danced in an open cafeteria, stayed up all night playing video games instead of preparing for the scholastic decathlon, and failed tests written by Mr. Payne. By the way, I also happen to be the secret captain of the basketball team with a lovely singing voice.
I know what you are thinking right about now. Is this guy serious? Does his speech have a point? Did he just make a reference to Zac Efron? The answer to all of these questions is yes. The point is to dream the impossible dream. This may not be referenced as The Speech for the rest of eternity, but this is my speech. Ill have other chances to inspire others whether its to master time travel, win the world cup, or succeed in the other fields I plan on pursuing. I may not think of the cleverest idea right now, but great things are not created overnight—this speech was written in two. I may not be prettier than that one girl with the flowing blonde hair, but some day Ill marry her. And theres no way I will ever be more famous than Rick Astley, no matter what speech I give—even if I used that alternate version which included my own rendition of Never Gonna Give You Up dedicated to Forest Park Senior High School. But Im not giving up, and neither should you. Son, dream the impossible dream. Dream it."

Category:

Education

Tags:

• Valedictorian
• Speech;
• Awesome;
• Forest
• Park

[ToriDoran]

@mahbub1986 wow. If you hated it so much why are you watching the video on youtube?

[mahbub1986]

That was a shitty speech. Who the hell do u think ur??? you can't even deliever a speech. I was there in the patorit center and was board as hell while listening to u. U stink big time... u son of a b**ch...!!! A** hole...!

[shaegurlbabez]

Aww great moment awesome speech 09! bby

[princessdrea91]

One of the most entertaining moments of my life - '09!!!!!!!!

[dancergirl4life29]

im so glad i was actually there but the video is cool too

[HappilyAnti]

I think

This should be an internet meme

[JohnAPatton]

Very proud to have heard this in person. Thomas best of luck with the Blonde!!

[vaexpress17]

AWESOME! way better than the dumb broad that didnt get any pizza.

[THEshotwell7]

BEST EVER!

[Dreadlrd283]

BEAST!