Ruth Reichl: Grateful Not to Be My Mother

Complete video at: http://fora.tv/2009/05/10/Not_Becoming_My_Mother_Ruth_Reichl

Ruth Reichl recalls giving a personal speech on how she was grateful not to be her mother. Reflective of gender roles and generational changes, Reichl's speech moved many audience members to tears.

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Ruth Reichl admits that, "Like most women, I decided who my mother was long ago, sometime during childhood." But she built up the courage to go through an old box of her mother's letters, notes, and journals, spanning a lifetime from 1924 to 1988.

As Reichl pieces together the story of her mother's life from these scraps of paper, she discovers a woman she never really knew and how much she missed by not knowing her better when she was alive. Miriam Brudno dreamed of becoming a doctor, like her father, but was discouraged by her parents who feared no one would marry her. Instead, she embarked on a more ladylike profession, opening a bookshop where she corresponded with authors and intellectuals all over the globe.

She was almost thirty when she finally married and started a family, leaving her bookshop and her dreams behind. Smart and well-educated with too little to do to fill her days, Reichl's mother and her friends were often bored, miserable, and quietly rebellious. In Not Becoming in Mother, Reichl confronts the painful transition her mother made from a hopeful young woman to an increasingly unhappy older one and comes to understand the lessons of rebellion, independence, and self-acceptance that her mother succeeded in teaching her.

"As I came to know this new person, I began to see how much I owe her. Mom may not have realized her dreams...She did not have a happy life but she wanted one for me. And she made enormous emotional sacrifices to make sure that my life would not turn out like hers." - Hillside Club

Ruth Reichl is the editor-in-chief of Gourmet magazine, the author of Comfort Me with Apples, Tender at the Bone, and Garlic & Sapphires, and the editor of the comprehensive Gourmet Cookbook. She has been the restaurant critic of The New York Times and the food editor and restaurant critic of the Los Angeles Times.

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[AntiMale]

This is EXACTLY what I've been feeling for many years now. My mother had goals arriving to the this country and were suddenly postponed due to getting pregnant. I still wonder why she did it (may have something to do with being pro-life). I find it pathetic. I appreciate it but can't respect her for that. I sense resentment from her. She makes a fantastic career woman but can't say she's been great at child-rearing. I never want to become her either.

[emilierosebishop33]

YOU ARE LIKE YOUR MOTHER, IT SHOWS IN HOW YOU READ.

[emilierosebishop33]

YOU SUCK ASS

[freesk8]

There is nothing in my comment above that suggests that raising children is not productive.

In fact, I agree with you that raising children is one of the most important and valuable things we can do.

My point is that one of the best ways to reach happiness is to know what kinds of productive activities are most compatible with your personality.

Did you mean to reply to my comment? Are your last 8 words intended to refer to the video instead of my comment?

[LeGioNoFZioN]

I agree wholeheartedly. No one should be forced into it, but I do think we should expect it of people. Regardless of gender if you sire a child you should do your best job at it,not that goverment should be able to force you, but it should be expected.

[LeGioNoFZioN]

coudn't agree more, cry me a river. My grandmother had to deal with real racism in a third world country where the only work she could get was sewing and supporting 5 kids alone after my grandfather's death. she never complained. Life is hard and every generation has hardships, deal with it an move on.

[GBS990]

A great example of everything the speaker couldn't be. Too bad her mom gave up her dreams to raise her. Was married before having a kid, no abortions, no STD's. Wow, what a horrible example.

I'd cry sitting on a toilet too if I paid good money to listen to a lousy speaker.

If you are going to these events, keep in mind she is not improving your or anyones life except her own.

[Saktoth]

How is raising children not productive? It is perhaps the most productive thing you can do, to raise several more productive people.

Women should not be forced or expected to do it, and men should be more accepted for doing it, but i cant help but think this belittles raising children as a worthwhile occupation.

[portantwas]

"My mother was a great example of everything I didn't want to be, and to this day I wake up every morning grateful that I'm not her."

I've heard my friends that say exactly that and I agree. Our mother's often gave up on education or careers or even interesting jobs because once they had kids they were relegated to housewife where they all seemed to either end up addicted on seditives (to cope with depression or 'nerves' as it was called in the 70s) or develop a drinking problem. Sad.

[freesk8]

Happiness is productive activity that is compatible with your individual and human nature.

I think that idea is best attributed to Aristotle.