the big 3-0 is approaching me at a rapid rate! here are some suggestions of gifts you can give to me, the most carnivorous cannibal to completely consume carneous corpses!
december 1st is the day of your reckoning... if you dont give the gifts i desire!
prepare yourselves for 7 days of redundant reminding!
hello losers,
this is your old friend stu here, with a message to you all. the first of december is coming up on us very quickly, and i know that all of you have been wrapped around this date tighter than a nuns trap with anticipation - its my birthday after all! why would you waste any time on any other dates on the calendar? i know, right? that wouldn't make any sense!
i know you're all asking yourselves, "gee, i wonder how i can help stu keep keep what's left of his rapidly degrading sanity, anyway? he's so awesome and so much cooler than my (mother / father / boyfriend / girlfriend / favorite pet / grandparent(s) / auntie / uncle / cousin / nei... you get it, cuz you all say it to yourself when thinking about me)
well that's why i am here! as usual, since you find it impossible to think for yourselves, i have already done it for you all! here are some grand gifts to you give to your gracious, glimmering, guttural... friend! (no words for friend start with G... how gay)
GIFT: head COST: priceless - always makes anyone feel better to get some birthday head! so go on out there and decapitate some dumb sonsabitch and bring me their head!
GIFT: records COST: dirt cheap - any kind of records! note that by records however i mean muscial. vital records from someone you obtained, no matter how nefarious the deeds were to get them, are useless to me. your birth records do me no good, and bring me no joy.
GIFT: musical instruments COST: variable - be it a harp strung with strings made of sinews, or some old accordian you found in the attic, i'll take it! and won't you be so pleased when you find a video of me using it to make my next masterpiece?
GIFT: computer equipment COST: variable - do you have a dead piece of shit computer that you hate? why not let me hate it for you? before you rummage all the RAM out of it, that is! p.s. fuck you if you keep the CPU and harddrive!
GIFT: alcohol COST: worth it - and not of the rubbing kind. a little fermented flow down my gullet always makes for a better birthday. so, cheers! and bring me a bottle!
GIFT: canvasses COST: 5 to 10 dollars - i already have the paint! bring me artistic bullshit like blank canvasses, charcoals, pens, pencils, brushes, sponges.. but not your mothers used birth control sponges... she can keep that!
GIFT: cash COST: my rent - don't give me cash! not only is it incredibly tacky, but it's useless to me unless it's enough to cover my rent!
GIFT: giftcards COST: never enough - and gift cards too. NO! they're never enough for what anyone ever wants to buy themselves, and theyre always for the most horrible stores you can find. sorry gramma, 15 dollars at "the hallmark store" is utterly useless to me!
GIFT: rapidshare/mediafire/other download hosts COST: 20, 30, 40 dollars - i like to pirate my albums and movies these days, and i get tired of waiting for them! so why not pay for me to pirate? you can buy it for me right online!
GIFT: money in my paypal account - COST: 20 dollars or more - i'm looking to host my new website soon, so why not help chip in on it? you've all used paypal before, so put a bunch of money into my account so i can get going on my website work!
GIFT: blank CD/DVD's COST: 7 to 10 dollars - with the advent of a failed hard drive this summer, i can never have enough backup storage! also acceptable are keychain/portable USB drives. all very cheap for you cheap bastards!
these are just some of the ideas of the multiple macabre... GIFTS you can GIVE ME on this most melancholy monday coming to us! i will repost this for the next seven days so none of you forget! and to those of you who do forget - you will feel shame for the rest of your useless, pitiful lives! ahh hahahahahahahahhaha!!
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brutal birthdayby equatormetal938 views
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